Let’s talk about decoding hockey-speak…the Lady Bison puts her best foot forward…TSN doesn’t have a clue…rattlesnakes and rodents…Ponytail Puck leftovers…and Rip Van Kukuchi

Jim Rutherford

Hockey people don’t use straight talk. They speak in code. They talk in circles. They’re convinced that BS baffles brains.

Fortunately, after close to 70 years watching shinny (started in the mid-1950s), working shinny beats in the rag trade (30 years) and blogging about shinny (20 years), I’ve learned to decode hockey-speak and put it into plain language. So, what do you say we hop hither and yawn across Our Frozen Tundra and lend an ear to what the decision-makers were saying in advance of National Hockey League training camps?

Toronto Maple Leafs GM Brad Treliving, on the muscle he’s added to his roster: “I should probably not use the word snot. I’ve heard a lot about that. I firmly believe there’s a style that you need to play at the very most important times, and it’s as much a mentality as it is anything else. I know there’s been lots of talk about abrasiveness. These are also good players. We’ve all watched games in April, May and June. There’s no space, it’s a harder game, you’ve gotta fight through traffic, and so the more players you can have with that mentality, that skill set, I think it helps you.”

What he really said: “Whenever things go off the rails, I expect coach Sheldon Keefe to unleash our guard dog, Ryan Reaves, from the end of the bench and I expect Ryan to go out on the ice and beat the snot out of one of their guys. It doesn’t mean we’ll win that game or the series, but snot should fly in April, May and June.”

Jim Rutherford, president of hockey ops, Vancouver Canucks: “I think to be very to the point, the changes that we’ve made, we have a playoff team if everything goes right. Your goalie has to be good. Your specialty teams have to be good. You can’t get into a lot of injuries. Okay, now I’m not saying if one of those things go wrong, we can’t still make it. Because we have some impact players that can win games by themselves. But we want to get to a point that we have enough in our lineup, that you can have a few things go wrong on a regular basis and overcome that.”

What he really said: “If, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if…and if there was no water in the Pacific Ocean it would be the Pacific Desert and we’d still be a bubble team.”

Winnipeg Jets GM Kevin Cheveldayoff, on a contract natter with goaltender Connor Hellebuyck: “It was a good meeting. You know, we sat down, we chatted and, again, he’s a pro, he’s been at this for a long, long time now and, again, a lot of the focus in the meeting, and that was exactly what I said, we’re here to try to win.”

What he really said: “I don’t have a clue what it’s gonna take to sign this guy. He’s been around long enough to know what 40-below weather feels like, but he won’t believe me when I tell him that it won’t be 40-below the day we have our Stanley Cup parade.”

Edmonton Oilers GM Ken Holland, on who his No. 1 goaltender will be, Stuart Skinner or Jack Campbell: “The reality is, we’re gonna need both guys over 82 games. I would think by the end of the year one guy plays 50, one guy plays 30 or 45 and 35, we’ll play that as we go. We’re gonna need both guys. It’s really a two-goalie league. I’m confident that we’re gonna have a competent one-two punch.”

What he really said: “How long have we been talking about goaltending in Edmonton? Since Grant Fuhr? Hey, maybe we should give Fuhrsie a call. I know he’s 60 years old, but…”

Calgary Flames GM Craig Conroy: “When we get in those tight games, I want this team to get that swagger back. I didn’t feel like we had it at times last year. We were in so many tight games, and it felt like maybe we were a little tight during the game. I remember when we were the Comeback Kids and I remember thinking I never was worried.”

What he really said: “I remember when this team had Lanny McDonald and Mike Vernon and Pepper. Those guys liked it in Calgary. They didn’t want to leave for Florida or Columbus.”

Ottawa Senators head coach D.J. Smith, on his goaltending: “If one guy is playing great and the other guy is not playing great, it’s clear that the one guy playing great is gonna go and get to go as many times as possible. But if they’re both going well? That model works because you keep everyone fresh. Injuries are less. The more these guys play, they get hurt today. But we’re going to do everything we can to win every game.”

What he really said: “Hell, for all I know, our EBUG will be in the blue paint 20 times this season.”

Montreal Canadiens head coach Martin St. Louis, on team bonding: “When the guys care for one another, they can accomplish way more. That’s in anything, any sport, guys have to care for one another and I think they do. The success on the ice…sometimes starts so far from the ice.”

What he really said: “When the guys care for one another, they can accomplish way more. That’s in anything, any sport, guys have to care for one another and I think they do. The success on the ice…sometimes starts so far from the ice.”

There are feel-good stories, then there’s what Maya Turner authored on the first day of autumn. All Maya did Saturday was make Rouge Football history, first by fitting herself into the brown-gold-and-white livery of the University of Manitoba Bisons and trotting onto IG Field on the south side of Winnipeg, then by becoming the first female to score points in a U Sports regular-season skirmish and, finally, by hoofing a 21-yard field goal in OT to deliver the decisive points in a 27-24 decision over the Regina Rams. Oh, and did I mention she was 5-for-5, with three successful PATs? That’s goose bumps stuff. So, a big tip of the bonnet to Maya and Bisons head coach Brian Dobie, a progressive thinker and one of the all-time good guys.

TSN scours the globe in search of good copy to fill its hour of air time on SportsCentre, but I guess the camera people and news snoops in Winnipeg called in sick on Saturday. What other explanation can there be for Maya’s exploits escaping their notice? Seriously. Not a word on the highlights show in the small hours this morning. No video evidence either. Maya didn’t happen. But wait. They managed to find time to squeeze in a mention of Haley Van Voorhis, the first female non-kicker to participate in an NCAA football game for Division III Shenandoah University. The mind boggles.

If you’re wondering, yes, Sportsnet Central had a brief item on Maya’s special day in U Sports.

Speaking of Sportsnet, Ray Ferraro will be in the Vancouver regional Blab Box for a limited number of games (about 20) this NHL season, and his bride, Cammi Granato, is an assistant GM with the Canucks. Can you say conflict of interest, kids? Naw. Not Ray. He’s been shooting straight on hockey broadcasts for years now (best in the biz), and I don’t expect pillow talk will cause him to holster his frankness.

What’s that sound I hear whenever Frank Corrado surfaces on TSN to share his pearls of blah, blah, blah on all things shinny? The clicking of the mute button.

I can’t say I was surprised to learn that the Boston Bruins had anointed Brad Marchand team captain. I mean, he’s changed his rodent ways. Why, I’d wager that he hasn’t licked another player’s face in at least two years.

Favorite headline from the past week, on the Sportsnet website: “Why this year will be different for Matthews and Maple Leafs.” I swallowed the bait and called up the video to discover Auston Matthews explaining the “why.” Apparently he and his accomplices are going to “take steps. Try to take steps in the right direction. Take those steps and be hungry for more.” All right! Let’s map out the parade route!

The Vancouver Giants are stockpiling celeb bankrolls, with one half of the cornball Property Brothers, Drew Scott, signing up to help pay the bills for the Western Hockey League franchise. He joins crooner Michael Bublé on the ownership roster, so they have a singer and an actor from a reality TV show that isn’t as real as it’s made out to be. Apparently Drew’s twin brother, Jonathan, would also buy in, except he’s too busy faking all the heavy lifting on their fix-it show.

Things that make me go hmmm, Vol. 2,160: Rattlesnake wrangler Marissa Maki in Mesa, Ariz., was called to rid a garage of three rattlers recently. When she arrived, Marissa discovered 20 of the reptiles, five adults and 15 babies, all huddled near a hot water heater. “This is our record for the most caught in one call!” said Rattlesnake Solutions owner Bryan Hughes. Hmmm. Catching 20 rattlesnakes in one foul swoop…kind of what happened when Rick Westhead of TSN made a house call on Hockey Canada headquarters last year.

Amar Doman has rekindled interest in the first-place B.C. Leos since purchasing the franchise midway through the 2021 Canadian Football League crusade, but he’s receiving very limited help from broadcast rights holder TSN in selling the product as a whole to the Left Coast. This weekend, for example, there were four skirmishes on the docket, and we saw one out here on the Other Side Of The Rocks. Two weeks ago there was a Saturday tripleheader. We saw one game. This is how TSN generates interest in the CFL at the most significant state of the season? They’ve reduced Rouge Football to a rumour in B.C. As much as I’d rather hear less than more of TSN’s Resident Keith Urban Groupie, Glen Suiter, it’s pathetic.

Once upon a time, the Leos were a hot ticket in Rouge Football. Honest. True story. The average head count at B.C. Place Stadium in 1986 was 46,637 and 40,888 in 1991. Now they attract half that (23,348), unless LL Cool J or OneRepublic are in the house (34,082 and 33,103 at the last two home-openers). But it’s a quantum leap from the 12,507 average in 2021. Doman is doing his part.

Things that make me go hmmm, Vol. 2,161: Colorado Buffalos quarterback Shedeur Sanders, son of head coach Deion Sunglasses, drives a Rolls Royce. Hmmm. Canadian university QBs are doing well if they can afford to use the drive-thru at McDonald’s.

Leftovers from the Professional Women’s Hockey League draft: The three opinionists/analysts on the CBC/SN1 natter panel were excellent. Shannon Szabados and Hailey Salvian have high energy and good insight. Cheryl Pounder at times lets her mouth race ahead of her thoughts, but she’s insightful, informative and, like the others, not afraid to have fun, even if it means using herself as a foil. They seem to genuinely enjoy each other and the gig. And, of course, host Andi Petrillo is an ideal fit…Appearance is part of the gig for a TV natterbug, whether they like it or not, and that applies to the women and men. So how did the panel make out on the fashion file? Petrillo, great hair. Szabados, great hair. Salvian, great hair. Pounder—oh my. Apparently Cheryl still hasn’t found her hair brush…Just wondering: Did Petrillo choose to wear the six-inch hooker heels, or was that call made by a cruel CBC wardrobe meanie who’s never worn anything but flats? Either way, Andi’s dogs must have been barking after squeezing her feet into those tootsie-killer pumps for the duration of the draft…Tessa Bonhomme was an excellent choice as on-stage host. Unfortunately, she had to step away for about half an hour and some wise acre thought it would be a swell idea to have Cassie Campbell-Pascall step in as a sub. It wasn’t. Someone—anyone!—needed to tell Cassie in advance that the draft wasn’t about her career, her shoes and her mom’s pot roast…Nice touch: Natalie Spooner, plucked by Toronto in the fourth round, had her 10-month-old son Rory in tow. That’s something we aren’t apt to see at next year’s NHL Entry Draft…If you’re scoring at home (and that’s unlikely), 33 of the 90 players chosen on Monday performed in the Premier Hockey Federation before Mark and Kimbra Walter swooped in to purchase (and kill) the league, lock, stock and ponytail this past summer. That’s about 15 more than I expected.

Here’s how the daily rags across Our Frozen Tundra played the PWHL auction the morning after:
Winnipeg Free Press: Sports front.
Winnipeg Sun: Page 2.
Toronto Star: Sports front.
Toronto Sun: Page 4.
Montreal Gazette: Last page.
Ottawa Sun: Page 3.
Ottawa Citizen: Last page.
Regina Leader Post: Last page.
Calgary Sun: Page 2.
Edmonton Sun: Sports front.
Vancouver Province: Page 8.
Vancouver Sun: Last page.
Saskatoon StarPhoenix: Last page.
Question is: Will mainstream media interest dwindle to non-existent once the puck is dropped in January?

Things that make me go hmmm, Vol. 2,262: Toronto Blue Jays pitcher Yusei Kikuchi had a bad day at the office last week, getting the hook in the sixth inning vs. New York Yankees due to neck cramping. And the neck owie was, apparently, due to Yusei not getting enough shuteye. He managed just 11 hours sack time the night before, instead of his normal 13-14. Hmmm. The only people I know who sleep that long are in a morgue or a boneyard.

And, finally, Rip Van Kikuchi would fit in with the rabble in Brezna, a village in northern Montenegro. They stage a Laziest Citizen competition every year, the object being to lie down longer than your opponents, and sitting or standing results in prompt expulsion—except to use the toilet for 15 minutes every eight hours. Which confirms no senior citizens are involved. I mean, I’ll be 73 in two months and I’m off to the biffy 15 times every eight minutes at night, never mind once every eight hours.

Let’s talk about the Chevy/Puck Pontiff voodoo vibe…Drab Slab still flogging their fake news…Zen Master PoMo and the true meaning of ruffled feathers…Blake Wheeler calls out fake news and fake news snoops…Puck Finn on Swiss time…Rink Rat Rags…the Winnironto Sun…and other things on my mind

Another Sunday smorgas-bored…and I hope no black cats crossed your path while you were walking under a ladder on Friday the 13th…

So here’s what I’m thinking: Kevin Cheveldayoff and Puck Pontiff Mark Chipman have a voodoo vibe going.

No kidding.

The Puck Pontiff and Chevy.

They get a player and his agent in a spooky, candle-lit, incense-filled room cluttered with occultish nick-nacks, and Chevy starts chanting and dancing and shaking chicken bones while the Puck Pontiff feeds them a mysterious concoction that looks like Red Rose tea but is actually a blend of special ingredients from the Cheech & Chong Collection of brain-bending herbs.

The player’s mind turns to mush and he suddenly believes Winnipeg is Shangri-la. Or, better yet, Woodstock. Soon he’s on his feet, chanting and dancing and singing In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida with Chevy, while his agent slumps in a smoky corner, spaced out and giggling like the town fool as he fiddles with love beads hanging from his neck. He becomes most agreeable.

“Like, man, you can’t ever leave this place,” the agent tells the player in a dreamy voice. “Like, look at all those beautiful palm trees and those white, sandy beaches and the ocean and all those topless girls with flowers in their hair.”

“Like, I see them too, man,” the player replies. “Like, where’d Portage and Main go, man?”

The agent then looks at the Puck Pontiff and asks, “Where do we sign, Cheech?”

That voodoo pitch worked on Rink Rat Scheifele, Twig Ehlers, Connor Hellebuyck, Blake Wheeler, Big Buff, Bryan Little and now Josh Morrissey, who’s agreed to spend the next nine winters in Good Ol’ Hometown, tall snow banks, square tires, frozen car batteries and all.

Cheech & Chong

Only Evander Kane and Jacob Trouba have been strong-minded enough to ward off the Cheech and Chong approach to contract negotiations, and I suspect Patrik Laine will continue to be a hard sell.

But we can probably expect an announcement any day now that Kyle Connor has fallen under the Chevy/Puck Pontiff spell, and he’ll be scoring his 30 goals in Winnipeg Jets livery for the next six National Hockey League seasons.

Chances are they’ll also get Connor at a wholesale price, just like Morrissey, because it’s Winnipeg and that’s what we do.

And, yes, $50 million with an AAV of $6.25M is wholesale in the hockey market for a defender of Morrissey’s level, especially given that he likely hasn’t arrived at peak performance. It would be for Connor, too, because you don’t find 30-goal men at the bottom of a Crackjack box and Kyle’s already made a habit of it.

Having said that, it’s hard to imagine Connor accepting a nickel less than the $7.15 AAV the Arizona Coyotes have agreed to pay their 14-goal man, Clayton Keller. But, hey, Kyle and his agent have yet to sample the chanting, dancing and funny tea in the Chevy/Puck Pontiff voodoo den.

The Morrissey signing tells us a number of things, including this: All that noise we’ve been hearing about the Jets changing room being as toxic as a buffalo’s breath? Ya, the air in there is so rancid that young Josh will only put up with it for another 3,285 days.

No surprise that the boys at the Drab Slab, Mad Mike McIntyre and Jason Bell, continue to flail away with their “rotten to the core” and “fractured locker room” narrative.

“(Head coach Paul) Maurice raised some eyebrows last spring in his exit meeting with the media when he mentioned there were some ‘ruffled feathers’ within the room that will need to be smoothed out going forward,” they wrote in a training camp preview. “Couple that with a late-season collapse, closed-door players’-only meeting a week before the playoffs and a quick first-round exit and it’s clear all was not right in Jetsville. These were teammates that needed a break from each other.”

Really? Here’s what Mad Mike had to say just three days before les Jets’ playoff ouster vs. the St. Louis Blues: “Another positive to emerge for the Jets is the increased talk of unity among teammates, both in the room and on the ice.”

So, let’s see if I’ve got this straight: He told us the Jets felt incredible warm and fuzzies for each other, on and off the freeze, like never before on April 17 but they couldn’t stand the sight of each other on April 20. Apparently Mad Mike doesn’t realize how stupid that sounds.

Pterodactyl

Welcome to Camp Grasshopper, where today you shall discover the inner meaning of “ruffled feathers” from venerable Zen Master PoMo, who arrives with bird in hand. “I’m picturing this bird with a couple little feathers out, and you just kinda slide your hand and they’re gone,” Zen Master PoMo says. “You seemed to be thinking more pterodactyl where I was thinking more sparrow at the time. It wasn’t that big a deal. Bad analogy, I guess. When you lose, when you think that ya got a chance—not that you should win, because I don’t think that happens in the NHL; when you get to the playoffs, all these teams are good—when you think you got a chance and you lose, there’s a lot of emotion that goes into that, right? A lot of anger and frustration. So, ya, you want some pissed off guys at the end of the year. You’re grumpy. That’s a really intense environment, right? Lose the last game, walk in ‘Boy, that was fun.’ That didn’t happen. Ya…all the sparrows are fine.” It is with the sound of two hands clapping that the lesson ends.

Here’s what I found myself wondering after listening to Maurice go all zen master in translating, once again, his original “ruffled feathers” comment for news snoops: How many of the scribes had to dig out their dictionary and look up the correct spelling of p-t-e-r-o-d-a-c-t-y-l? I’m guessing 100 per cent of them.

I once played on a club with a kid named Sparrow in goal, but I don’t recall being teammates with anyone named Pterodactyl.

The Drab Slab’s two ace sleuths, Mad Mike and Bell, have had 5½ months to gather and produce evidence of infighting among the Jets, and what have they unearthed? Nada. Squat. Diddly. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson they ain’t. And no, a players-only meeting outside earshot of news snoops doesn’t cut it as verification. Athletes muttering and barking at one another behind closed doors is as commonplace as jock rash, and an absence of proof makes it fiction, the kind of stuff Mad Mike wouldn’t have been allowed to write while on the cops-and-robbers beat. Question is, why does jock boss Steve Lyons let him get away with it in the toy department?

Blake Wheeler

Perhaps Jets captain Blake Wheeler was talking about Lyons when he went off on shoddy journalism during a frank and revealing natter with TSN’s Sara Orlesky last week.

“I think there was just, unfortunately, a lot of incorrect stuff coming out about our team after last year,” he told Sara, who struck all the appropriate notes in her nine-minute probe. “I think the media has a certain accountability that has to be held, and it was lost after last year. There was a lot of stuff written that just simply wasn’t true. You know, I mean, things were written about Scheif after the year about our exit interview…I was in the room, you know, people were upset that he didn’t talk. They asked him one question. So what, is he just gonna stop people and make a statement? So that disappointed me.

Sara Orlesky

“You know, write whatever you want about me, I know what I am, I’m pretty comfortable where I’m at. If you think I’m the problem…I might be. I don’t think I am, but I know that after you fail to meet expectations, you’re gonna write about me, and that’s fine, I know that’s the position I’m in. But at least be accurate, at least, you know, do enough work and be in the room enough to get a sense of what you’re talking about. People are writing stuff that, they’re in the room once or twice a year. I’ve met these guys maybe twice and I’ve been here nine years. So that upset me a little bit. But, like I said, it was just in the sense of you totally missed the boat. Write about how bad we played in Game 6, that would be accurate. We didn’t show up. And if you think that’s because of bad leadership, then maybe that’s a conversation to be had. But you can’t have it both ways. So let’s kinda get back on track a bit.”

I’m not a fan of the way Wheeler sometimes interacts with news snoops. I think he’s a boor. But his remarks are spot on. And that was boffo work by Sara, who got the captain to speak with sledgehammer bluntness.

Lyons and his paid pen pal, retired columnist Paul Wiecek, authored a nasty hit piece on Wheeler in the fallout of the Jets playoff ouster last April with this headline: “Jets problems begin with Wheeler.” Unless I’m mistaken, Lyons and Wiecek saw the inside of the Winnipeg HC boudoir last season about as often as Donald Trump sees the inside of a gym, but Lyons supposedly “asked around” and was advised that Wheeler had “lost the room.” What, he “asked around” by texting Mad Mike and Bell? Oh, wait, Lyons is probably too old for texting. He likely phoned his beat boys. Whatever, from the top of the Drab Slab food chain to the bottom, the reporting has been reckless, irresponsible and totally mockable gossip mongering.

The boys on the beat at the Winnipeg Sun also touched on the matter of team disunity (very briefly), and it went like this:
Ted Wyman: “If they did have some issues last season, they have to make sure that’s resolved.”
Scott Billeck: “The strife in the locker room, we don’t know for sure, for certain. I mean, if that was the case, often times when teams kinda go down people will just start saying things, and there’s been a lot of rumors this summer that are completely unfounded. There’s just no proof to them.”
Correct. So let’s turn to another page in the songbook, shall we Grasshopper?

Patrik Laine

Voter turnout in the Manitoba provincial election was a low 50 per cent. The other 50 per cent formed a search party and went looking for Patrik Laine and Kyle Connor.

Turns out Puck Finn put away his Fortnite gizmos and has been located in Switzerland, which is as good a place as any to sit out a war. I’ve never met Puck Finn, but he strikes me as a different head of lettuce who listens to the beat of his own drum, and I can see him hooking up with his old pal, Jesse Puljujarvi, and spending the winter in Finland. Just guessing, of course, but he might be the last of the NHL’s bumper crop of unsigned restricted free agents still standing when most of the dust settles.

To be clear, neither Puck Finn or Connor are “holding out” as a Drab Slab headline incorrectly informed us. They aren’t under contract.

Those who know Rink Rat Scheifele tell us he’s the kind of guy who’d give you the shirt off his back, so we shouldn’t be surprised that the Jets centre arranged to outfit teen members of the Winnipeg Ice with new Sunday-go-to-meeting duds for their Western Hockey League crusade. Solid gesture. Solid guy. And I think it would make for a boffo fashion label: Rink Rat Rags.

Good grief. Wednesday’s edition of the Winnipeg Sun looked like the Tranna Sun. Yes, again. The first two pages were devoted to Auston Matthews’ ghastly Cuban lounge lizard mustache, with news on the Jets buried inside. I don’t know if sports editor Teddy Football, columnist Pencil Neck Friesen and Scott Newby are embarrassed by the repeated Torontofication of their product, but I would be and I’d probably raise a stink about the Winnironto Sun.

Headline in the National Post: “Ken Holland’s layer cake is ready for the oven, but will it rise?” Yikes! Who’s working the NatPo sports desk? Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart?

Harry Potter doppelganger Kyle Dubas said he wouldn’t talk about Mitch Marner’s contract until it had become a fait accomplis. “Radio silence,” the Tranna Maple Leafs GM called it. As if anyone still listens to the radio.

And, finally, just wondering: If you could climb into anyone’s head, whose would it be? For me, it’s Bob Dylan. The man’s a lyrics genius, and I’d like to wander around his attic to find out exactly what the hell goes on up there. Speaking of Bob, he supplied the official soundtrack to this post—Bob Dylan’s Greatest Hits on Spotify.

Talking turkey on the telephone with Kevin Cheveldayoff

As a free service (no pay wall here), we bugged Kevin Cheveldayoff’s cellphone, his burner phone, his Dick Tracy wrist watch radio/TV and his land line (the guy’s still a bit old school) to listen in on trade talks between the Winnipeg Jets general manager and his National Hockey League counterparts.

Kevin Cheveldayoff

Sound of a cellphone ringing (to the tune of the Jerry Springer Show theme music)…

“Hello…Chevy speaking.”

“Morning Chevy. Stevie Y here in Motown. How are things in Pegtown?”

“Oh, you know, Stevie. Same old, same old. We’ve already had 21 homicides and the year isn’t half over, you can’t drive half a block without your SUV being swallowed by a pothole the size of Texas, the WiFi still sucks, and mosquito season has already started—you should see the size of some of those suckers, Stevie; as big as Buff. On top of that, I feel more like a prison warden than a GM.”

“How so?”

“What, you guys don’t have the Internet in Detroit, Stevie? You haven’t heard that I’m dealing with more malcontents than Dr. Phil? There’s so much scrapping in my dressing room that my owner, Mark Chipman, had to create a new position in the ivory tower—Executive VP in Charge of Ruffled Feathers.”

“Who’d you hire?”

“No one. Chipper said we couldn’t afford Oprah, Dr. Phil, Springer or Maury Povich, so we just put it on Zinger’s plate.”

“Isn’t Zinger the dude who used to sew and wash Teemu’s jock strap?”

Stevie Y

“Yup. Same guy, Craig Heisinger. He’s our Mr. Everything, except he does all his good work behind the scenes. People here think I’m a bit of a recluse, but Zinger’s got me beat all to hell. I can’t find the guy half the time I need him. It’s like he’s a member of the Green Party…you hear about him but you never really see him. Anyway, what’s on your mind, Stevie…wait…let me guess: You’re calling about Jacob Trouba.”

“You win the cupie doll, Chevy. I’d like to bring Trouba home to Michigan. What’s it gonna take to pry him away from you?”

“Jacob’s gonna cost you Dylan Larkin and a first-round pick in this month’s entry draft.”

“Are you daft, man? I give you Larkin and Mrs. Ilitch will have my left nut. She’s a dear, sweet lady, but my owner can be tougher than 10 days at hard labor. Sorry, Chevy, but Larkin is a non-starter. Especially if you want a first-rounder on top of that. You know the old saying, Chevy: I was born at night, but not last night.”

“Guess we can’t do business then, Stevie. I need a No. 2 centre like Zdeno Chara needs a straw to eat his food. I coughed up two first-rounders—plus Brendan freaking Lemieux—in the last two years trying to plug the hole at centre, and what do I have to show for it? Squat. If I don’t get it right with Trouba, Chipper will have both my balls. Anyway, Stevie, I’ve got another call…good talk though.”

Kyle Dooby-Dooby-Doo

Sound of Dick Tracy wrist watch radio/TV buzzing (to the tune of Fiddler on the Roof)…

“Hello…Chevy speaking.”

“Chevy, my main man, my main dude…Kyle Dooby-Dooby-Doo calling from the Centre of the Universe, where you can’t swing a cat without hitting a Toronto Raptors fan or Drake. What do you say we scratch each others backs?”

“I don’t see how we can help each other, Kyle. We’re both in cap hell. That’s a big problem.”

“There are no problems, Chevy, just challenges. If we get creative, you can have the No. 2 centre you need—Nazem Kadri—plus some added frills and I can have the top-pair defenceman I need.”

“One of those added frills would have to be a first-rounder this month, Kyle.”

“Ouch. No can do, amigo. Already gave that baby away. But here’s what I can do for you: I’ll give you Nazem Kadri, Nikita Zaitsev, Nic Petan and the talking rights to Ron Hainsey for Jacob Trouba and a year’s supply of Pride rainbow tape, because hockey is for everyone.”

“Ron Hainsey?! I know you people in Toronto are big on dinosaurs these days, what with the Raptors leading the NBA final and all, but the last thing I need is a Jurassic defenceman like Hainsey. And Nic Petan? My coach Paul Maurice has already ruined the kid’s career once, why would we let him do it again?”

“Guess we can’t do business then, Chevy. Maybe it’s just as well, though. I hear Trouba won’t sign long term with a Canadian team.”

“Well, Toronto is close to his home in Michigan and his good buddy Bogo is in Buffalo, so…oops, got another incoming call, Kyle. Gotta go.”

Ken Holland

Sound of land line ringing (no music, just Bring! Bring! Bring!)…

“Hello…Chevy speaking.”

“Good morning, Mr. Cheveldayoff. This is Miss Tulip from Mr. Holland’s office in Edmonton…could you stay on the line for his call please?”

Lengthy pause (Nickelback elevator music playing in the background)…

“Hi Chevy. Kenny Holland here. Sorry about the wait.”

“That’s actually kind of rude, Ken. I mean, you called me, so why should I be put on hold?”

“Sorry, man, but that’s the Oilers’ way. They fire so many people around here that no job is safe for more than five minutes. So I let my girl Miss Tulip make the calls for me. If I’m still the GM by the time she’s finished dialing, I pick up. Anyway, I hear Patrik Laine is available.”

“Where did you hear that?”

“Some blog called The Fourth Period.”

“Fake news, Ken. Patty isn’t going anywhere. Hey, the kid had an off-year, but when an off-year is a 21-year-old kid scoring 30 goals he’s a keeper.”

“Too bad. I was hoping to pair Laine with Jesse Puljujarvi. I figure if I could get another Finn on board, Jesse might finally find his way in the NHL.”

“Who would you be willing to send my way? Like I told Stevie Y and Dooby-Dooby-Doo, I’m looking for a live body and a first-rounder this month. That’s my starting point.”

“How does Ryan Nugent-Hopkins sound? That’s the No. 2 centre you need. I’ll give you the Nuge, our first-rounder, which is eighth overall, and I’ll toss in the Looch, Milan Lucic.”

“C’mon Kenny. You mean you’ll toss me a bloody anchor! Offering me the Looch is like offering a drowning man a glass of water. Who do you take me for, Peter Chiarelli?”

“Hey, didn’t mean to insult you, Chevy, but you know that great feeling you get right after your first dump in the morning? That’s the feeling I’m gonna have when I unload the Looch. But, okay, I’ll take him off the table. You can have the Nuge and our first-rounder, and you give me Laine.”

“Nope. Not gonna happen, Kenny. But you can have Nik Ehlers instead. Playing with Connor McDavid, he’ll score 40 by accident. And I’ll add Sami Niku.”

“Okay, Chevy, the Nuge and our first-rounder it is for Nik Ehlers and Sami Niku. Done deal. Just out of curiosity, Chevy, how will you tell your guys that they’ve been traded?”

“Same way I always do it…I tell Buff to toss their clothes into the ice tub.”