Let’s talk about a hairball from the Football Reporters of Canada…a newspaper battle in Good Ol’ Hometown…Grey Cup Sunday…three Canucks and a Jet atop NHL scoring…a Torch and a Slurpee…and other things on my mind

It’s another Couch Potato Day at Chez Swansson, listening to Matt and Milt and Bo and trying to tune out Davis and Lapo and Jim B while waiting for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers and Montreal Larks to grab grass at Timbits Field in The Hammer…

Chad Kelly got what he deserved last weekend.

This past Thursday, he got what he didn’t deserve.

Oh, yes, five days after Kelly had coughed up a hairball the size of Lake Ontario, the Football Reporters of Canada coughed up a hairball the size of Lake Superior and anointed the Toronto Argos quarterback the finest performer in Rouge Football.

Embarrassed? Well, football reporters should be, but news snoops are usually only red-faced at closing time.

Come to think of it, perhaps a pub is where most of them filled out their ballots for the Canadian Football League’s year-end awards, because impairment is the only possible explanation for handing the George Reed Most Outstanding Player trinket to Kelly.

It’s not that Kelly soiled the sheets during the 2023 crusade. But, individually, he didn’t do anything extraordinary. Did he lead the league in passing yards? No. Did he lead the league in pass completions? No. Did he have the best passing percentage? No. Did he toss for the most TDs? No. Did he have the highest efficiency rating? No. Did he scamper for more yards than every other QB? No.

Cripes, man, Winnipeg Blue Bombers QB Zach Collaros was better than Kelly in all but one of those six disciplines.

Meantime, the other man on the final MOP ballot, Brady Oliveira, ran like a scalded dog all season, topping out in rushing yards (1,534), yards from scrimmage (2,106) and touchdowns (13).

It sure seems to me that the football reporters are guilty of VWITG (voting while in the grog).

So, yes, they should be ashamed, and anointing Kelly MOP is a horrible optic when coupled with his calamitous performance in last Saturday’s East Division final vs. Montreal Larks. There’s only one reason the Argos won’t be grabbing grass at Timbits Field in this evening’s 110th skirmish for the Grey Cup—Kelly’s ghastly, deer-in-the-headlights quarterbacking. He was Larry, Curly or Moe. Take your pick. He kept giving the Larks the pigskin (four interceptions, two pick-sixes, one lost fumble, two failed third-and-shorts), and that seldom pays dividends in playoff football. Or on a sandlot, for that matter. Thus, the Boatmen were one-and-done, deservedly so.

Of course, Kelly’s Keystone Kop QB shtick in a 38-17 drubbing by the Larks wasn’t a consideration in MOP voting, because the ballots were in long before his deep dive into slapstick. The verdict had already been delivered (39 ayes for Kelly, 22 for Oliveira), and I suspect the news snoops know they look like twits, even if most of them won’t admit it.

But, hey, it’s not at all surprising that they’d opt for Kelly over Oliveira. They’re cult-like in their admiration for QBs and, remember, this is the same Old Boys Club that took almost half a century to elect a female to the Media Wing of the Canadian Football Hall of Fame.

Hands up all those who believe Kelly’s claim that he was concussed during the Argos-Larks skirmish. That’s the tale he told John Hodge of 3DownNation a few days after the fact, although Kelly couldn’t pinpoint the moment he had his bell rung. Which, if you’ve ever had your bell rung, makes sense. Among the many symptoms of a concussion, you see, is wonky recall. Except there’s this: It was a self-diagnosis. That’s right. QB Kelly became Dr. Kelly. He had nary a natter about a whack to the noggin with anyone holding a medical degree. Medics didn’t detect any signs of head trauma in observing his play or sideline behaviour. Nor did his coaches. Kelly never spent time in the quiet tent. He simply diagnosed himself as concussed. Thus, it lends itself to skepticism. Saying “my head was not good” comes across as a complete copout, a way to excuse a game gone horribly wrong. I mean, the guy was flinging the football to the wrong team from the get-go, which is to say the Boatmen’s opening offensive salvo. Are we to believe he hit his head on the changing room door en route to the field? But, as someone who’s suffered multiple concussions and remains affected by them to this day, I can say that they make you say and do peculiar things. Like pretending to be a doctor. Trust me. Been there, done that. It’s scary stuff. Kelly’s comments ring genuine to me.

I’m all for the Lords of Rouge Football honoring the game’s greats, but it seems odd that they’d name the MOP in honor of a running back, George Reed. Not that the Saskatchewan Roughriders legend is unworthy. It’s just that the football reporters’ fascination with quarterbacks has made it a QB award, with 17 of the past 23 winners (42 overall) behind centre. Seems to me that Ol’ Spaghetti Legs, Jackie Parker, would have been more appropriate.

If you’re wondering, Vicki Hall becomes a rose among 104 thorns this very day when FRC members gather to officially welcome her to the Media Wing of the CFHofF. And, no, I can’t explain why it took them so long to add a female member.

There’s always been a feel-good vibe between the CFL and the boys and girls on the beat, even when the Lords of Rouge Football are doing cockeyed things like swooping into the U.S. or keeping female reporters out of changing rooms (hello, Cal Murphy). The scribes and talking heads genuinely like the league, the quirkiness of the game, the characters (hello again, Cal Murphy), the accessibility of the players, and the closeness of the small community. Alas, the herd of news snoops covering the three-downs game has dwindled this century, with few outlets dispatching their people to games hither and yon. That was among the talking points in CFL commissioner Randy Ambrosie’s natter with news snoops during Grey Cup week.

“It’s certainly something we talk about all the time and we think about all the time,” Commish Randy said. “There’s been an erosion of kind of the mainstream media industry and many of you have seen colleagues of yours who covered our league and covered sports for a long time come and go. I think the answer is…we know we’re gonna have to be much more self-reliant, we’re gonna have to focus on many of our own solutions to get our story told. We do have some remarkable professionals that do work inside of our league that help get that story told.

“And, of course, we rely on all of you and I do want to emphasize that I thank all of you for the role you play. We try to work as much as possible with all of you to give you the fuel and oxygen you need to tell our story, but I think longer term we are convinced that in some ways we’ll have to be able to do more of that heavy lifting on our own and be responsible for more of that.”

Translation: Will the last news snoop to leave please remember to turn out the lights?

The sports columnist at our national newspaper, Cathal Kelly, won’t be the last to leave. He’s already gone. I mean, if he was in The Hammer to opine on the Grey Cup participants or hijinks in advance of this evening’s Bombers-Larks skirmish, he wasn’t there long enough to run up a decent bar tab. Nary a word from Kelly re Grey Grail appeared in the Globe and Mail during the week. But, hey, he managed to scribble something about Jim Harbaugh, an American college football coach, so there’s that. (Trent Frayne will be spinning like a lathe in his grave.)

The Grey Cup week shocker was Paul Friesen and Ted Wyman of the Winnipeg Sun putting feet on the ground in The Hammer. Postmedia doesn’t get a whole lot of things right, but taking the travel shackles off the two Sun scribes was definitely the right thing to do with the home side in the hunt for a return to Grey Grail glory. With Friesen and Wyman on site, it made for a dandy newspaper battle between the Sun and Drab Slab, which sent Jeff Hamilton and young Taylor Allen into the fray. They all scribbled boffo stuff, of course, and the final article count was Sun 24, Drab Slab 22.

Best Grey Grail read for me was delivered by young Eddie Tait, whose rock bottom-to-top of the heap yarn on Brady Oliveira was boffo stuff. Young Eddie, of course, was once the premier writer on all things three-downs football at both the Sun and Drab Slab, and he often reminds us what we’ve been missing in our daily newspapers. Fortunately, we can always find it at bluebombers.com, where his tale-telling continues to flow.

If the Bombers topple the Larks today, remind me to ask Young Eddie if it’s difficult typing with Grey Cup rings on three of his fingers.

I couldn’t work in jock journalism today (newspaper department) if I was required to perform all the self-promotion I see on X. The boys at the Drab Slab, in particular, are unabashed braggarts, constantly pumping their own tires as if a dangling participle has never found its way onto their pages. It’s all fabulous stuff. Just ask them. Well, if it’s all the same to them, I’ll make my own call on what’s good and what should have been spiked.

Hey, look who’s taken to social media to give a shoutout to the Bombers in advance of today’s skirmish vs. the Larks: Burton Cummings, that’s who. I assume Burton sent his well wishes from his home in Moose Jaw, but don’t ask me why a rock ‘n’ roll legend is hanging his hat in a remote outpost on the Flattest Of Lands. Can we expect Mick and Keith to settle in Speedy Creek or Biggar?

When I awoke this morning, three Vancouver Canucks—Quinn Hughes, Elias Pettersson, J.T. Miller—were atop the NHL points leaderboard with 28 apiece, and Kyle Connor of the Winnipeg Jets sat in the catbird seat among goal-scorers with 14. That must be such an inconvenience for both TSN and Sportsnet. I mean, if those four puck hogs from the colonies insist on putting up those kind of numbers, our two national sports networks might take notice and be forced to pre-empt their regularly scheduled slobbering over the Maple Leafs.

This from the TSN website: “After being selected first overall in the NHL Draft, (Connor) Bedard is off to red-hot start and on pace to set a new mark for modern-day rookie goal scorers.” Excuse me, but Teemu Salanne lit the lamp 76 times as an NHL freshman, in 1992-93. If that wasn’t ‘modern day’ when did ‘modern day’ begin?

Montreal Canadiens saluted former captain Pierre Turgeon last week by placing him in the Ring of Honour at the Bell Centre. As part of the ceremony, Turgeon carried the Habs Torch to centre ice. When they do that in Winnipeg, the player carries a Slurpee.

Personally, I don’t care that the Professional Women’s Hockey League is still without team names, team logos and a schedule. It’s enough that they’re at training camp and they’ll drop the puck in January.

Swift Current Broncos have suspended head coach Devan Praught for being a jerk to teenage boys, that on the heels of Kevin Constantine being booted out of the Western Hockey League for being a jerk to teenage boys. What the hell is wrong with these guys?

There’s a report that the Major League Baseball competition committee is toying with the nation of reducing the pitch clock with runners on base from 20 seconds to 18. Hey, I’m all for giving the game some giddyup, but if they keep tinkering with the pitch clock they might as well just play T-ball.

Megan Rapinoe says her injury in the National Women’s Soccer League final is proof there is no God. I agree. I mean, if there really is a God, she/he would have crippled Rapinoe’s mouth, not her leg.

Hey, Tiger Woods will be teeing it up in the Hero World Challenge, a golf tournament he hosts in the Bahamas. Finally, someone who can get Taylor Swift off the sports pages.

And, finally, enjoy the game and go Bombers!

Let’s talk about a double dose of Rouge Football…one MOP candidate had a day, the other was a day late and a dollar short…buyer beware on the Flattest Of Lands…the Great Biffy Burglary…and other things on my mind

You can find the Edmonton Oilers season in here.

There’s nothing like going all couch potato for Rouge Football, so let’s share some random and cheeky observations collected during seven hours in front of the flatscreen on Saturday…

Montreal Larks vs. Toronto Argos: Apparently there’s a record head count at BMO Field in the Republic of Tranna. Hmmm. If so, a lot of people are disguised as empty seats…Seriously, though, it’s nice to see 20,000-plus people in the Republic of Tranna finally noticed the Argos exist…Boffo start for Chad Kelly on this Canadian Football League Double Dip Day—NOT! The Argos QB and presumed (by a brain-frozen eastern media) Most Outstanding Player award winner flung the football into the flat on the Argos first drive and Marc-Antoine Dequoy took it 101 yards the other way for a Larks TD…I’m guessing Kelly’s day will get better…Oops. Nope. Another interception by Kelly. And another. And another pick six. And a lost fumble. And two failed third-and-shorts…Kelly gets the Bronx Cheer late in the third quarter. Little wonder. He’s playing like a floor mop, not a MOP…Corn Dog Cody Fajardo, the Larks QB, isn’t much better, but at least he’s mainly flinging the football to his guys…Hey, there’s Argos legend and current GM Pinball Clemons. It’s always a good day when there’s a Pinball sighting, even if he isn’t smiling…It’s about that Save On Foods Touchdown to Win contest: If a player returns a kickoff for a TD, the prize is a year’s supply of food. If there are two kickoffs returned for TDs, the prize is $1 million. Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t a year’s worth of food cost $1 million these days?…The Argos are getting mauled. They look like this is their first day together. Come to think of it, the Boatman clinched first place in the East Division halfway through August, and head coach Ryan Dinwiddie has been diddling with his lineup ever since. Serves him right for being a smart-ass and sitting out his starters…I swear, the TSN mics are picking up more F-bombs than you’ll hear in a biker bar. Larks head coach Jason Maas unloaded the loudest expletive during his post-match rant. They might want to do something about that before the large lads arrive in The Hammer for next Sunday’s tussle for the Grey Grail…Worst part about the Larks whupping the Argos and advancing to the 110th Grey Cup game: QB Corn Dog Cody will spend the week squawking about “all the doubters and all the haters” who didn’t believe in him and his mates. Yo! Corn Dog! Nobody hates you and some didn’t believe in you because you hadn’t beaten anyone with a winning record all year until this semifinal. So spare us the “poor us” shtick…Final score: Montreal 38, Republic of Tranna 17.

Winnipeg Blue Bombers vs. B.C. Leos: Hmmm. It looks crisp, but not too brrrrr-ish to sway this skirmish to determine official bragging rights in the West Division. But, hey, I’m happily stretched out under the blankets on my loveseat, not sitting in the chill of the Football Field In Fort Garry. So what do I know about brrrr-ish?…Whatever, Ma Nature served up crisp, running back weather and, sure enough, Bombers RB Brady Oliveira is a man on a mission, churning up 70 yards of prime South Winnipeg real estate and a TD on the opening salvo for the defending champs. He has 100 yards by recess. That’s what an MOP does…This is snot-bubble football, and no team does that better than Winnipeg FC. If that’s how it’s going to be, this one is over. Trust me…Oh dear. Biggie Bighill leaves the grid rather gingerly. Actually, he’s flat-out hobbled. We won’t see him again today, unless one leg is in a boot and he’s on crutches…I don’t know about you, but I wish that young girl in the Save On Foods commercials would spend more time in school and less time in the grocery store. All the kid does is boss everyone around, and she’s never once let her little brother speak. Not in two years. I’ve decided she’s annoying…My goodness. Willie Jefferson’s arms are so long that the Bombers could rent him out to stop traffic at railway crossings…Willie J. and Jackson Jeffcoat are the definition of mayhem, and that’s not to overlook the rest of Richie Hall’s defensive dozen…What’s this? Leos QB Vernon Adams puts six points on the board with a Hail Mary floater to close the first half? Not to worry. The Leos are still going home with their tails between their legs…Good grief. When did Sergio Castillo morph into Marc Liegghio? I mean, two missed field goals? That wrong-footed nonsense better not follow Castillo to The Hammer and the Grey Grail next Sunday…TSN natterbug Glen Suiter tells us that “it literally takes all 12” Leos to bring down Oliveira. I realize the gasbags in the booth are prone to hyperbole, but that’s just stupid…I don’t know about you, but I’m all for Bo Levi Mitchell replacing Davis Sanchez on the TSN panel…Bombers kick returner Janarion Grant looks fast when he’s standing still…Can’t say enough about the rabble at the Football Field In Fort Garry. No gathering in Rouge Football is louder than that bunch…Ouch. How black and blue will Adams’ body be after this beating by the Bombers?…Nice touch by the local football heroes to invite their wives/girlfriends and kiddies onto the field to celebrate a fourth successive West Division title? Lovely…My only concern right now is Biggie’s health for the Grey Cup game…Final score: Winnipeg 24, B.C. 13.

Just wondering: Is it too late for members of the Football Reporters of Canada to call back their ballots for Most Outstanding Player and X out the name Chad Kelly and insert Brady Oliveira? Ya, it’s probably too late. But, I swear, if Kelly is anointed MOP later this week there’ll be a whack of news snoops with eggs on their kissers. Scrambled, of course.

Yesterday’s football/hockey Double Dip in Good Ol’ Hometown, with both Winnipeg FC and the Jets playing on the same day/night, aroused fond memories of days of yore. Us news snoops would watch the Blue Bombers grab grass on one side of Maroons Road in the afternoon then scoot across the street to Winnipeg Arena, where the Jets would feed us or we’d dine on press box popcorn while they frolicked on the local freeze and we cranked out our football/hockey copy. As I recall, the Bombers usually won, the Jets usually lost in those Double Dips. You know, just like yesterday. Good times.

If you’re looking for a good read, check out dear friend Judy Owen’s piece on the aforementioned Brady Oliveira. It’s good stuff.

The name Scott Milanovich is mentioned in any discussion about the vacant Saskatchewan Roughriders head coaching post, but it’s buyer beware on the Flattest Of Lands. Yes, Milanovich earned a Grey Cup ring as head coach of the Argos, but he’s 43-47 as a sideline steward. Also keep in mind that GM Jeremy O’Day will make the coaching call, and he’s the same guy who ushered Corn Dog Cody Fajardo and Jason Maas out of town, yet both will be in The Hammer with the Montreal Larks to participate in the 110th Grey Cup skirmish next Sunday.

Strange headline on the 3DownNation website last week: “Scott Flory committed to Saskatchewan Huskies but will listen if CFL calls.” In other words, he’s committed to coaching university football until a CFL outfit tells him he isn’t committed to university football.

Four dudes were charged last week with the burglary of a toilet, even though the theft was four years ago and the biffy hasn’t been seen since. But there’s no truth to the rumor that it’s the same toilet the Edmonton Oilers season just went down.

Actually, the Great Biffy Burglary was a special kind of heist, in that this was a 227-pound, 18-carat crapper once on display at New York’s Guggenheim Museum and, more latterly, Blenheim Palace in England, where it was pilfered on Sept. 14, 2019. A work of “art” titled America by Italian Maurizio Cattelan, it was worth $5.95 million, totally functional and visitors at both the Guggenheim and Blenheim were invited to use it to take a dump. You know, just like the Oilers goaltenders.

Apparently, folks would stand in the loo queue for up to two hours at the Guggenheim, while an appointment was required to use the golden loo at Blenheim. Either way, folks on both sides of the pond were keen to pee and poop on America.

If you’re wondering, the golden biffy was cleaned every 15 minutes while at the Guggenheim. Or about as often as the Oilers change coaches.

Here’s why many among the rabble refuse to believe the Vancouver Canucks are what their record says they are: They go east and are outplayed badly in Ottawa, even though they stole two points, then they’re given a wedgie by the Maple Leafs in the Republic of Tranna. Two iffy outings makes one wonder what all the noise is about.

There’s nothing fraudulent about Canucks captain Quinn Hughes, though. The guy’s a stud.

Got a giggle out of this: The Leafs were assessed two minor penalties for initiating fisticuffs after clean body belts by the Canucks on Saturday night, and one of the bare-knuckle exchanges featured blueline fossil Mark Giordano. “Important we’re showing other teams that you’re not going to get away with things like that,” Giordano told news snoops. Get away with things like what, tough guy? Body checking? Good grief.

It seems to me that the Winnipeg Jets are a better team now that Blake Wheeler has been removed from the mix. But it’s still early. They have plenty of time to revert to old habits.

Beauty feature by Cheryl Pounder of TSN on her former teammate with Canada’s national women’s shinny side, Caroline Ouellette, who officially enters the Hockey Hall of Fame on Monday night. While focusing on Caroline’s on-ice career, the piece also makes room for her life away from the rink, which includes wife Julie Chu and their daughters, Liv and Tessa. It isn’t often that a gay couple/parents receive the royal treatment on a sports show, so this is special.

Speaking of special women, here are the final numbers for University of Manitoba Bisons placekicker Maya Turner this U Sports football season: Field goals 11-for-14 (longest 48 yards), converts 16-for-16. Total: 27-for-30. I’m guessing head coach Brian Dobie would say young Maya earned her keep.

Is it just me, or does anyone else think the U.S.-Canada Rivalry Series has lost some of its oomph? It’s difficult to gauge the buzz because Hockey Canada and USA Hockey like to keep things like attendance a secret, so the size of the gatherings is a mystery. When I last looked, there were ample tickets available for yesterday’s friendly at Crypto.com Arena in Los Angeles, but perhaps there was a rush to the box office and they sold scads of tickets. Or not. At any rate, the women are two friendlies into a seven-game dosey-do (U.S. ahead 2-zip) and it feels like an after-thought, especially with Professional Women’s Hockey League training camps set to go on Wednesday. That’s where the focus ought to be.

Perhaps I’m not feeling it for the Rivalry Series due to the scheduling. I mean, playing seven games across four months doesn’t lend itself to building interest (we won’t see them again until mid-December, with the final three faceoffs in the front half of February). And, of course, the PWHL drops the puck in January, so that will warrant all the attention.

Question: If a guy is scribbling about women’s sports, shouldn’t he actually know something about women’s sports? You know, like the league names? Yes, he should. So someone at Postmedia needs to clue in hot-shot jock columnist Steve Simmons, who doesn’t know a PWHL from a “WPHL” or a National Women’s Soccer League from a “Women’s Pro Soccer League.”

Could someone please explain the NBA in-season tournament to me in 25 words or less? I mean, it strikes me as a parlour trick that wouldn’t fool a daft school kid. The only difference between regular-season skirmishes and the so-called NBA Cup is…well, nothing. It offers nothing fresh, other than paint-by-numbers floorboards, and some of them are hideous and distracting. As far as gimmicks go, it ranks right up there with Peter Puck (Google him, kids).

A Spanish couple, Fernando Fitz-James Stuart and his bride Sofia Palazuelo, had their second child baptized recently and named her Sofia Fernanda Dolores Cayetana Teresa Angela de la Cruz Micaela del Santisimo Sacramento del Perpetuo Socorro de la Santisima Trinidad y de Todos Los Santos. Good lord. I’ve lived in towns that didn’t have that many names in the phone book.

And, finally, high admiration to all our armed forces, most notably those who served in World War I and II. Precious few of them are still with us, so it’s important that they know their bravery won’t be forgotten.

Let’s talk about our two all-Leafs sports channels missing the boat on the Canucks…hug an Oilers fan…bye, bye Bo?…Rouge Football in Quebec City…neck guards and vanity…cleavage on the sports pages…and other things on my mind

A tweet is a tweet is a tweet by any name, so don’t call these the X files…

Let’s take inventory: The Vancouver Canucks have the third-best record in the National Hockey League, 8-2-1.
The Canucks are tops among the seven Canadian-based outfits.
The Canucks lineup features the league’s top point-collector, Elias Pettersson.
The Canucks lineup features the league’s top-scoring defenceman, Quinn Hughes.
The Canucks lineup features three of the league’s top-10 scorers.
The Canucks racked up another W on Saturday night, beating the Dallas Stars 2-zip.
So who did Sportsnet lead its highlights show with this morning? That’s right, the Toronto Maple Leafs, who lost.
And who did TSN lead its hockey package with this morning? That’s right, the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Well, of course they did. After all, Leafs coach Sheldon Keefe let his guard dog, Ryan Reaves, off the bench long enough to do nothing except snarl at some of the Buffalo Sabres. And sources say both Auston Matthews and Mitch Marner brushed their teeth post-game, so Sportsnet and TSN had no choice but to put the loser Leafs in front of the Canucks on the pecking order.
If it doesn’t happen in the Republic of Tranna, it doesn’t happen, right?
Pathetic. Truly pathetic. But not surprising.

If you meet an Edmonton Oilers fan today, speak softly when trying to talk her or him off the ledge. And, hey, let’s declare this Hug An Oilers Fan Day.

Looking for the name Connor McDavid in the chase for the Art Ross Trophy? Well, you’ll need a coal miner and a canary to find the Oilers captain, because he’s lower than Trudeau the Younger’s approval rating. He’s T56 with 10 points. Interesting thing, though: I still wouldn’t want to bet against McDavid winning the top-scorer trinket.

What a boffo sports weekend in Vancouver—the B.C. Leos and UBC Thunderbirds both won playoff football skirmishes, while the Canucks shut down the Dallas Stars, and now the Whitecaps are ready to join the fun with a playoff futbol kickabout this afternoon. Why, there hasn’t been this much excitement in Vancity since the rabble broke out the matches and tried to burn the place down in 2011.

Now that the Leos have booked a date with the Blue Bombers next Saturday in Good Ol’ Hometown, the big question in advance of the Canadian Football League West Division final is this: What level of nastiness will Ma Nature dial up? I mean, it’s one thing for the Leos to give the Calgary Stampeders a 41-30 wedgie in the climate-controlled environment of B.C. Place, but beating the Bombers on their frost-bitten, frozen tundra is a special kind of challenge. Prairie football in mid-November can be harsher than a hanging judge, so if Ma Nature is in a foul mood it’s advantage Winnipeg.

Chances are we’ve seen the last of Bo Levi Mitchell, Rouge Football quarterback extraordinaire. Bo spent all but 6½ minutes on the sidelines Saturday, his roll with the Hamilton Tabbies reduced to mop-up duty in a 27-12 loss to the Montreal Larks. He tossed four passes, one that went to one of his guys, one that went to one of the other guys, and two that missed the mark. It wasn’t what the Tabbies anticipated or expected when they handed the broken-down Bo a three-year contract that pays in excess of $500,000 per. “If you’re not playing your highest paid player on this team in a playoff game, I don’t foresee myself being here,” Mitchell told TSN’s Matthew Scianitti in a somber Tabbies changing room. Trouble is, his options are limited. Only one outfit in Rouge Football will be in the market for a starting QB—Ottawa—and they know Bo isn’t even a reasonable facsimile of his former self.

What in the name of Sam Etcheverry was Cody Fajardo thinking? I mean, the Montreal Larks QB chose to play the “no respect” card in advance of the CFL East Division semifinal, which is fine. Like, whatever floats your boat, right? But I’m not sure the guy who pays the bills, Pierre Karl Peladeau, appreciated his quarterback telling potential fans to get lost.“It’s too late,” Fajardo said. “It’s too late to buy stock in this football team and that’s our mindset. We’ll prove it when we get to the Grey Cup and we hoist that Grey Cup over our head.” That’s just dumb.

The Lords of Rouge Football have given commissioner Randy Ambrosie a mandate to grow by one, which is to say add an expansion franchise. But don’t bet on it being in the Maritimes. Commish Randy had a natter with Donnie and Dhali The Team the other day, and he sounded more bullish on Quebec City becoming the 10th member. “We’re trying to cross that last hurdle and be able to announce a team,” he told Don Taylor and Rick Dhaliwal. “Will we or won’t we, I don’t know for sure. But it’s not just about Atlantic Canada. We’re going to look at other markets. Quebec City is a fantastic market. In many respects, it’s the most logical next city by size—it’s just slightly smaller than Winnipeg, it’s bigger than both Regina and Saskatoon combined. It’s got a great community…Quebec has got a great football culture. It would establish a tremendous rivalry for the Alouettes. There’s lots of reasons to like that market. So we’re not exclusively Atlantic Canada focused. We need to look at these other markets.”

Once again, I ask this: How can the Football Reporters of Canada possibly hand Chad Kelly the Most Outstanding Player trinket when he leads Rouge Football in exactly zero—zero!—significant QB categories? Of the seven guys who tossed 300-plus passes this crusade, here’s where the Toronto Argos quarterback ranks:
5th in completions
4th in completion percentage
4th in yards
3rd in TDs
T2 in fewest interceptions
2nd in efficiency
4th in rushing.
Do the math, boys and girls.

Apparently Arash Madani failed math, because the Sportsnet natterbug and Football Canada board member revealed his final awards ballot on X, and he opted for Kelly over the more worthy Brady Oliveira, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers running back who covered more ground than an 1880s Oklahoma Sooner. Oliveira was first in rushing (by 400 yards), first in yards from scrimmage (2,016) and first in touchdowns (13). What part of “first” does Madani not understand?

No surprise that Madani would give his MOP vote to Kelly, because we’re accustomed to brain farts by arrogant news snoops in the Republic of Tranna. But his indifference is inexcusable. In naming his choice for top offensive lineman, he writes. “Hardrick, I guess.” He guesses? He guesses Jermarcus Hardrick of the Bombers is the best grunt guy in Rouge Football? He didn’t give it any thought? He didn’t consult anyone? Is he not aware that winning one of these awards could benefit the player at contract time? If Madani is guessing, why did the FRC give him a ballot? Shame, shame.

If we were to poll the 700-plus National Hockey League players, asking them if wearing neck/throat protection is preferable to a trip to the morgue, little doubt the result would be unanimous on the “yes” side. That’s because they know their skate blades are razor sharp and, if dragged across human flesh, they’re apt to cause injury. Deadly injury. They knew this before Adam Johnson’s neck was sliced open by an opponent’s skate blade during an Elite Ice Hockey League game in the U.K. last weekend, and they’re aware he died on an operating table at Northern Sheffield Hospital shortly thereafter. They also know about Clint Malarchuk and Richard Zednik. So why are so many declining to wear available neck protection?

Silliest reason for balking on what could be life-saving equipment: Vanity. “To be honest, I think guys just don’t like the look of them.” Brock Boeser of the Canucks told Sportsnet. Meantime, Ottawa Senators forward Mathieu Joseph provided the backup vocals: “It bugs some guys to wear them, and they don’t think it looks good, but we don’t want to lose another player like we just did.” Yo! Boys! People are paying in excess of $100 to get into an NHL rink to watch hockey, not to stare at your neck. Your wife or girl friend might think your neck is sexy, but it isn’t a selling point to anyone else.

Other players, like Buffalo Sabres blueliner Rasmus Dahlin, gave neck/throat protection a test drive last week and found it to be cumbersome and made him too hot, so he scrapped it mid-game. I’m guessing fire fighters find their equipment cumbersome, as well, but they won’t enter a burning building without it.

Just a thought: Why do NHL players need a reminder that wagering on NHL games is a definite no-no? Are they really that dense?

As I recall, Maple Leafs GM Brad Treliving recruited Tyler Bertuzzi, Ryan Reaves and Max Domi to provide more grit and toughness and sandpaper to a roster that had been lacking in grit, toughness and sandpaper. So how’s it working out? Well, here’s Terry Koshan’s take in the Toronto Sun: “Not only have Tyler Bertuzzi, Max Domi and Ryan Reaves not provided the snot that general manager Brad Treliving envisioned when he signed them during the summer, the trio hasn’t provided much of anything.”

Love this tweet from Josh Bradshaw: “Brad Treliving at the Free Agent Drive Thru this past Offseason: ‘Hey could I get an order of piss and vinegar? On second thought, hold the vinegar.’ ”

I saw a headline the other day that said they’d found evidence of rats in supposedly rat-free Alberta. I assumed Brad Marchand had been traded to the Flames or Oilers.

What happens first, Victor Wembanyama scores 50 points in an NBA game or I spell his name correctly without looking it up?

Things that make me go hmmm, Vol. 2,161: James Harden—late of the Oklahoma City Thunder, late of the Houston Rockets, late of the Brooklyn Nets, late of the Philly 76ers and now a member of the Los Angeles Clippers—is a curious bit of business, but not in an admirable way. Arguably the most annoying man in hoops, if not all sports, he had a meet-and-greet natter with L.A. news snoops the other day and delivered a most curious sound bite. “I’m not a system player. I’m a system,” he said. Hmmm. I think he meant to say he was a symptom of the Me-First Epidemic in today’s NBA.

I mentioned Conservative Party leader Pierre Poilievre’s phony smile in last week’s post, and that put at least one reader’s nose out of joint. “Don’t get Canadian political,” he scolded. Fair enough. I’ll get out of politics if Poilievre gets out of politics.

If I were to interview Poilievre, I think I’d do something rude. You know, like eat an apple while asking questions.

True story: I called up the the Toronto Sun website the other day and found an article by Dan Bilicki with the headline “Paige Spiranic says her breasts have gotten ‘a lot bigger’. If you haven’t been formally introduced, Spiranic is a one-time pro golfer and now a “golf influencer” (whatever the hell that means), and Bilicki tells us all about Paige’s girls, which are ample. I’m uncertain how the size and realness of Paige’s boobs qualifies as a sports article, but it’s rumored that a feature on the Real Housewives of Mississauga will be on the sports front next week.

Just wondering: Is it mandatory for me to include a pic of Taylor Swift with this post, or is it enough that I mention her?

And, finally, I’m a Beatles fan, but I’m not a Beatles fan who believes every song from the Liverpool lads is a classic. The Fab Four’s newest/old recording, Now and Then, is one of their non-classics, even if it brought tears to my eyes upon first listen. But after half a dozen listens since its release last Thursday, it hasn’t really grown on me. It’s similar to Free As A Bird, also not a classic. I’m glad Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr put it out, but it won’t replace A Day In the Life or I Am the Walrus or Got To Get You Into My Life or Dear Prudence or She’s A Woman on my playlist.