There’s nothing like going all couch potato for Rouge Football, so let’s share some random and cheeky observations collected during seven hours in front of the flatscreen on Saturday…
Montreal Larks vs. Toronto Argos: Apparently there’s a record head count at BMO Field in the Republic of Tranna. Hmmm. If so, a lot of people are disguised as empty seats…Seriously, though, it’s nice to see 20,000-plus people in the Republic of Tranna finally noticed the Argos exist…Boffo start for Chad Kelly on this Canadian Football League Double Dip Day—NOT! The Argos QB and presumed (by a brain-frozen eastern media) Most Outstanding Player award winner flung the football into the flat on the Argos first drive and Marc-Antoine Dequoy took it 101 yards the other way for a Larks TD…I’m guessing Kelly’s day will get better…Oops. Nope. Another interception by Kelly. And another. And another pick six. And a lost fumble. And two failed third-and-shorts…Kelly gets the Bronx Cheer late in the third quarter. Little wonder. He’s playing like a floor mop, not a MOP…Corn Dog Cody Fajardo, the Larks QB, isn’t much better, but at least he’s mainly flinging the football to his guys…Hey, there’s Argos legend and current GM Pinball Clemons. It’s always a good day when there’s a Pinball sighting, even if he isn’t smiling…It’s about that Save On Foods Touchdown to Win contest: If a player returns a kickoff for a TD, the prize is a year’s supply of food. If there are two kickoffs returned for TDs, the prize is $1 million. Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t a year’s worth of food cost $1 million these days?…The Argos are getting mauled. They look like this is their first day together. Come to think of it, the Boatman clinched first place in the East Division halfway through August, and head coach Ryan Dinwiddie has been diddling with his lineup ever since. Serves him right for being a smart-ass and sitting out his starters…I swear, the TSN mics are picking up more F-bombs than you’ll hear in a biker bar. Larks head coach Jason Maas unloaded the loudest expletive during his post-match rant. They might want to do something about that before the large lads arrive in The Hammer for next Sunday’s tussle for the Grey Grail…Worst part about the Larks whupping the Argos and advancing to the 110th Grey Cup game: QB Corn Dog Cody will spend the week squawking about “all the doubters and all the haters” who didn’t believe in him and his mates. Yo! Corn Dog! Nobody hates you and some didn’t believe in you because you hadn’t beaten anyone with a winning record all year until this semifinal. So spare us the “poor us” shtick…Final score: Montreal 38, Republic of Tranna 17.
Winnipeg Blue Bombers vs. B.C. Leos: Hmmm. It looks crisp, but not too brrrrr-ish to sway this skirmish to determine official bragging rights in the West Division. But, hey, I’m happily stretched out under the blankets on my loveseat, not sitting in the chill of the Football Field In Fort Garry. So what do I know about brrrr-ish?…Whatever, Ma Nature served up crisp, running back weather and, sure enough, Bombers RB Brady Oliveira is a man on a mission, churning up 70 yards of prime South Winnipeg real estate and a TD on the opening salvo for the defending champs. He has 100 yards by recess. That’s what an MOP does…This is snot-bubble football, and no team does that better than Winnipeg FC. If that’s how it’s going to be, this one is over. Trust me…Oh dear. Biggie Bighill leaves the grid rather gingerly. Actually, he’s flat-out hobbled. We won’t see him again today, unless one leg is in a boot and he’s on crutches…I don’t know about you, but I wish that young girl in the Save On Foods commercials would spend more time in school and less time in the grocery store. All the kid does is boss everyone around, and she’s never once let her little brother speak. Not in two years. I’ve decided she’s annoying…My goodness. Willie Jefferson’s arms are so long that the Bombers could rent him out to stop traffic at railway crossings…Willie J. and Jackson Jeffcoat are the definition of mayhem, and that’s not to overlook the rest of Richie Hall’s defensive dozen…What’s this? Leos QB Vernon Adams puts six points on the board with a Hail Mary floater to close the first half? Not to worry. The Leos are still going home with their tails between their legs…Good grief. When did Sergio Castillo morph into Marc Liegghio? I mean, two missed field goals? That wrong-footed nonsense better not follow Castillo to The Hammer and the Grey Grail next Sunday…TSN natterbug Glen Suiter tells us that “it literally takes all 12” Leos to bring down Oliveira. I realize the gasbags in the booth are prone to hyperbole, but that’s just stupid…I don’t know about you, but I’m all for Bo Levi Mitchell replacing Davis Sanchez on the TSN panel…Bombers kick returner Janarion Grant looks fast when he’s standing still…Can’t say enough about the rabble at the Football Field In Fort Garry. No gathering in Rouge Football is louder than that bunch…Ouch. How black and blue will Adams’ body be after this beating by the Bombers?…Nice touch by the local football heroes to invite their wives/girlfriends and kiddies onto the field to celebrate a fourth successive West Division title? Lovely…My only concern right now is Biggie’s health for the Grey Cup game…Final score: Winnipeg 24, B.C. 13.
Just wondering: Is it too late for members of the Football Reporters of Canada to call back their ballots for Most Outstanding Player and X out the name Chad Kelly and insert Brady Oliveira? Ya, it’s probably too late. But, I swear, if Kelly is anointed MOP later this week there’ll be a whack of news snoops with eggs on their kissers. Scrambled, of course.
Yesterday’s football/hockey Double Dip in Good Ol’ Hometown, with both Winnipeg FC and the Jets playing on the same day/night, aroused fond memories of days of yore. Us news snoops would watch the Blue Bombers grab grass on one side of Maroons Road in the afternoon then scoot across the street to Winnipeg Arena, where the Jets would feed us or we’d dine on press box popcorn while they frolicked on the local freeze and we cranked out our football/hockey copy. As I recall, the Bombers usually won, the Jets usually lost in those Double Dips. You know, just like yesterday. Good times.
If you’re looking for a good read, check out dear friend Judy Owen’s piece on the aforementioned Brady Oliveira. It’s good stuff.
The name Scott Milanovich is mentioned in any discussion about the vacant Saskatchewan Roughriders head coaching post, but it’s buyer beware on the Flattest Of Lands. Yes, Milanovich earned a Grey Cup ring as head coach of the Argos, but he’s 43-47 as a sideline steward. Also keep in mind that GM Jeremy O’Day will make the coaching call, and he’s the same guy who ushered Corn Dog Cody Fajardo and Jason Maas out of town, yet both will be in The Hammer with the Montreal Larks to participate in the 110th Grey Cup skirmish next Sunday.
Strange headline on the 3DownNation website last week: “Scott Flory committed to Saskatchewan Huskies but will listen if CFL calls.” In other words, he’s committed to coaching university football until a CFL outfit tells him he isn’t committed to university football.
Four dudes were charged last week with the burglary of a toilet, even though the theft was four years ago and the biffy hasn’t been seen since. But there’s no truth to the rumor that it’s the same toilet the Edmonton Oilers season just went down.
Actually, the Great Biffy Burglary was a special kind of heist, in that this was a 227-pound, 18-carat crapper once on display at New York’s Guggenheim Museum and, more latterly, Blenheim Palace in England, where it was pilfered on Sept. 14, 2019. A work of “art” titled America by Italian Maurizio Cattelan, it was worth $5.95 million, totally functional and visitors at both the Guggenheim and Blenheim were invited to use it to take a dump. You know, just like the Oilers goaltenders.
Apparently, folks would stand in the loo queue for up to two hours at the Guggenheim, while an appointment was required to use the golden loo at Blenheim. Either way, folks on both sides of the pond were keen to pee and poop on America.
If you’re wondering, the golden biffy was cleaned every 15 minutes while at the Guggenheim. Or about as often as the Oilers change coaches.
Here’s why many among the rabble refuse to believe the Vancouver Canucks are what their record says they are: They go east and are outplayed badly in Ottawa, even though they stole two points, then they’re given a wedgie by the Maple Leafs in the Republic of Tranna. Two iffy outings makes one wonder what all the noise is about.
There’s nothing fraudulent about Canucks captain Quinn Hughes, though. The guy’s a stud.
Got a giggle out of this: The Leafs were assessed two minor penalties for initiating fisticuffs after clean body belts by the Canucks on Saturday night, and one of the bare-knuckle exchanges featured blueline fossil Mark Giordano. “Important we’re showing other teams that you’re not going to get away with things like that,” Giordano told news snoops. Get away with things like what, tough guy? Body checking? Good grief.
It seems to me that the Winnipeg Jets are a better team now that Blake Wheeler has been removed from the mix. But it’s still early. They have plenty of time to revert to old habits.
Beauty feature by Cheryl Pounder of TSN on her former teammate with Canada’s national women’s shinny side, Caroline Ouellette, who officially enters the Hockey Hall of Fame on Monday night. While focusing on Caroline’s on-ice career, the piece also makes room for her life away from the rink, which includes wife Julie Chu and their daughters, Liv and Tessa. It isn’t often that a gay couple/parents receive the royal treatment on a sports show, so this is special.
Speaking of special women, here are the final numbers for University of Manitoba Bisons placekicker Maya Turner this U Sports football season: Field goals 11-for-14 (longest 48 yards), converts 16-for-16. Total: 27-for-30. I’m guessing head coach Brian Dobie would say young Maya earned her keep.
Is it just me, or does anyone else think the U.S.-Canada Rivalry Series has lost some of its oomph? It’s difficult to gauge the buzz because Hockey Canada and USA Hockey like to keep things like attendance a secret, so the size of the gatherings is a mystery. When I last looked, there were ample tickets available for yesterday’s friendly at Crypto.com Arena in Los Angeles, but perhaps there was a rush to the box office and they sold scads of tickets. Or not. At any rate, the women are two friendlies into a seven-game dosey-do (U.S. ahead 2-zip) and it feels like an after-thought, especially with Professional Women’s Hockey League training camps set to go on Wednesday. That’s where the focus ought to be.
Perhaps I’m not feeling it for the Rivalry Series due to the scheduling. I mean, playing seven games across four months doesn’t lend itself to building interest (we won’t see them again until mid-December, with the final three faceoffs in the front half of February). And, of course, the PWHL drops the puck in January, so that will warrant all the attention.
Question: If a guy is scribbling about women’s sports, shouldn’t he actually know something about women’s sports? You know, like the league names? Yes, he should. So someone at Postmedia needs to clue in hot-shot jock columnist Steve Simmons, who doesn’t know a PWHL from a “WPHL” or a National Women’s Soccer League from a “Women’s Pro Soccer League.”
Could someone please explain the NBA in-season tournament to me in 25 words or less? I mean, it strikes me as a parlour trick that wouldn’t fool a daft school kid. The only difference between regular-season skirmishes and the so-called NBA Cup is…well, nothing. It offers nothing fresh, other than paint-by-numbers floorboards, and some of them are hideous and distracting. As far as gimmicks go, it ranks right up there with Peter Puck (Google him, kids).
A Spanish couple, Fernando Fitz-James Stuart and his bride Sofia Palazuelo, had their second child baptized recently and named her Sofia Fernanda Dolores Cayetana Teresa Angela de la Cruz Micaela del Santisimo Sacramento del Perpetuo Socorro de la Santisima Trinidad y de Todos Los Santos. Good lord. I’ve lived in towns that didn’t have that many names in the phone book.
And, finally, high admiration to all our armed forces, most notably those who served in World War I and II. Precious few of them are still with us, so it’s important that they know their bravery won’t be forgotten.
The River City Renegade 
You must be logged in to post a comment.