Let’s talk about Zach Hyman and anti-Semitism…online homophobia for women’s futbol…The Littlest Hobo and the Shohei Ohtani fallout…Toronto the Hick Town…living in Regina…the Toronto Star’s in-house award…Spike Lee’s stinky sneakers and Lionel Messi’s unscuzzy shirts…and other things on my mind

The Littlest Hobo

Zach Hyman is speaking out against the evil that is anti-Semitism, and I hear him.

“Jewish people…don’t feel safe,” the Edmonton Oilers forward was telling Mark Spector of Sportsnet last week. “There are attacks on synagogues. My high school (in Toronto) has had two bomb threats. This is just for being Jewish. It’s just because you’re Jewish. There’s no other reason.

“Being a Jewish person doesn’t feel comfortable right now, and that’s a scary feeling. It’s supposed to be getting better.”

I hear Hyman even though I’m not Jewish. I hear him because I’m part of the LGBT(etc.) collective, and it’s supposed to be “getting better” for us, too.

Yet then we learn that the American Hockey League has told Chicago Wolves coach Bob Nardella to go away for 10 games, because he spewed anti-gay remarks at a referee. Naturally, Nardella denies saying what he said because “that is not the type of person” he is. Except there were witnesses, so that’s exactly the “type of person” Nardella is.

We also learn of findings from a study of online abuse at this year’s Women’s World Cup, in which 96 players in Australia and New Zealand were out lesbians. The report includes this discouraging note: “Making up almost 50% of all detected abuse across the tournament, Sexist, Sexual and Homophobic messages appear to be the weapon of choice to target players.”

“The weapon of choice.” What an interesting, albeit accurate, way to describe it. Sigh.

Also worth noting from the FIFA Social Media Protection Service/global players’ association: The women received 28.5 per cent more abuse online than men at their 2022 World Cup in Qatar. Double sigh.

Apparently the Los Angeles Dodgers’ winning 10-year, $700-million sales pitch to land baseball free agent Shohei Ohtani included a video from late hoops legend Kobe Bryant. The Toronto Blue Jays tried to match it by showing reruns of The Littlest Hobo. According to those familiar with negotiations, Ohtani said, “Why am I watching this German Shepherd lost in Toronto? I already have a dog.”

When last seen, some of the natterbugs on TSN and Sportsnet were still off their feed, moaning about the Blue Jays’ failed bid to lure Ohtani to the Republic of Tranna for the 2024 season and beyond. Not to worry. To turn those frowns into happy faces, James Duthie plans to host an Auston Matthews home movie marathon for staff at both networks, showing each of the Maple Leaf centre’s 322 career goals. Matthews will be in attendance. Boot licking is optional and by appointment only.

Ohtani’s official mouthpiece, Nez Balelo, told USA Today that he felt “really, really bad for the country of Canada,” after his prized client chose to play his baseball in Dodgers blue. Hey, don’t cry for us, Nez Balelo. We’ve still got Nickelback, the rouge and real beer, eh.

Count Jon Heyman of the New York Post among those tickled that Ohtani won’t be hitting and (eventually) pitching in the Republic of Tranna: “No offense to the Toronto Blue Jays, but this is much better for Major League Baseball,” he writes. “The Jays may have been a better opportunity for marketing dollars because they represent an entire country, but he has to live, too. At this point all that matters is that Ohtani made the right call. Not only for him but us too. Sorry, but reality is reality. The Jays are a fine team and organization. They’ve made the playoffs three of the last five years. Toronto is a beautiful city, too, but for non-hockey sports, there’s a small-time feel to the place.” I’m aghast. I mean, can Heyman really be talking about The Six? The Big Smoke? He makes it sound like a way station no bigger than a parking lot, with all the glitz and glam of a church service. Does Drake know about this, and shouldn’t he be making a rap album about ugly Americans dissing his burg?

Those of us who live in the colonies know Heyman has got it all wrong. The Republic of Tranna is the Centre of the Universe. Just ask them.

A case in point would be this item from Elliotte Friedman in his 32 Thoughts column for Sportsnet: “Connor Bedard and Connor McDavid at 10pm ET? Come on. Should be Prime Time, nationally televised everywhere in North America.” What Friedman actually meant was this: “Any game featuring Connor Bedard and Connor McDavid should face off before me and all my friends in the Centre of the Universe are in our jammies.”

Jeff Hamilton of the Drab Slab took a shot at the Flattest of Lands re the hiring of Corey Mace as head coach of the Saskatchewan Roughriders: “They wanted a guy who was willing to live in Regina year-round. Talk about sacrifice.” Love it. Atta boy, Jeff.

Drab Slab editor Paul Samyn was scribbling about Artificial Intelligence as it relates to media in his weekly newsletter the other day. If you want an example of genuine artificial intelligence, don’t read a newspaper or magazine. Just spend a night in a pub and listen to the voices around you.

It occurred to me last Monday that the Drab Slab sports section is printing Saturday news in its Monday editions. Whatever became of the seven-day world?

So I note the Eastern Cartel of Canada’s sports media has determined that hoopster Shai Gilgeous-Alexander is the top jock in all the land for 2023. I won’t quibble about the choice of SGA as winner of the Northern Star Award, but I still have trouble with the process, whereby a supposed “national panel of reporters, columnists and broadcasters” makes the call. There were 39 people on the selection committee, only eight of whom work west of the Manitoba-Ontario border. A 31-8 split tells me the Northern Star is still a Toronto Star in-house award, and it always will be until Damien Cox finds more friends out here in the colonies and lets them have a voice.

This from Steve Simmons of Postmedia Tranna: “If you don’t know the name Shai Gilgeous-Alexander please don’t embarrass yourself by admitting it. Especially if you think you know your sports in Canada.” That from a guy who said this about futbol during the women’s World Cup in June 2019: “My knowledge of the game and my interest in the game is so limited. I don’t know the ABCs. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you all the positions. I don’t know how many players are on the field. Honestly, I have no connection to this game at all. I didn’t grow up with it, I didn’t play it, I never watched it, I didn’t care about it.” Now that’s embarrassing.

The Toronto Sun acknowledged the existence of the Professional Women’s Hockey League with a two-page spread on the upstart group last Thursday, with this headline: “Crash course: Everything you need to know about the PWHL.” Trouble is, everything readers needed to know isn’t what writer Mike Ganter was telling them. For example, “all six PWHL teams are owned by the Mark Walton Group,” and “the Walton family’s net worth” is $238.5 billion. Wrong and wrong. It’s the Mark Walter Group that’s bankrolling the PWHL’s six franchises, not the Walton family. I doubt we’ll be seeing John Boy or Mama Walton at the rink. As for wealth, Mark Walter’s personal fortune is pegged at $5.8 billion and his Guggenheim Partners has more than $325 billion in assets under management. Still, it’s encouraging to see the TorSun take an interest in Ponytail Puck.

If you’re scoring at home, Taylor Swift has attended six Kansas City Chiefs skirmishes this season. My only concern is for those among us who actually track how often Her Royal Swiftiness shows up to watch her main squeeze, Travis Kelce, catch passes from Patrick Mahomes. Seems to me that falls into the “get a life” file.

Stop me if you’ve heard this before: Patrik Laine is injured.

Stop me if you’ve heard this before (Vol. II): Bianca Andreescu will skip the Aussie Open due to injury.

This is cool: A rare pair of gold Air Jordan 3 sneakers designed for filmmaker Spike Lee and discovered in a donation bin at a shelter in Portland, Ore., is up for auction until tomorrow. Sotheby’s indicates the size 12½ sneakers could fetch up to $20,000, and the entire winning bid will go directly to the Portland Rescue Mission.

On the subject of clothing and auctions, six jerseys worn by Lionel Messi during last year’s World Cup sold for $7.8 million online and, according to a Sotheby’s spokesperson, “they all smell fine.” He couldn’t say the same for Spike Lee’s sneakers.

And, finally, Shohei Ohtani isn’t the only person who’ll live on deferred payments in retirement. I already do. They’re called CPP, OAS and GIS.

Let’s talk about a life without sports on TV

So, what’s life going to be like without sports? How can TSN and Sportnet fill all that air time with the playground shut down due to coronavirus?

Not to worry kids.

Both our national sports networks have clever, innovative programmers, plus expansive libraries full of film featuring vintage, classic events that can be aired 24/7. And, hey, some of it might even include teams from outside the Republic of Tranna.

Just don’t count on it.

As a matter of fact, we’ve already had a sneak peek at what the Tranna-centric TSN and Sportsnet have planned while the coronavirus has all sports shut down. Here’s the menu:

Midnight: Replay (black and white) of 1967 Stanley Cup final, Maple Leafs vs. Montreal                        Canadiens.
3 a.m.:   Interviews with every member of the Leafs who isn’t dead.
4 a.m.:   James Duthie and the panel gather ’round a Ouija board and interview every                             member of the Leafs who is dead (black and white).
5 a.m.:   Replay of Maple Leafs ’67 victory parade (black and white).
6 a.m.:   Special edition of The Reporters, where Dave Hodge, Michael Farber and Steve                       Simmons pretend they remember ’67.
7 a.m.:   Replay of Auston Matthews’ first NHL game.
10 a.m.: Interview with Auston Matthews about his first NHL game.
11 a.m.:  James Duthie and the panel break down each of Auston Matthews’ four goals in his                 first NHL game. (Jeff O’Dog gets bored and hungry and leaves the studio after the                    third goal.)
Noon:     Leafs Lunch with Jeff O’Dog, Andi Petrillo and Noodles McLennan. O’Dog is still                 bored and hungry, so he rejoins James Duthie and the panel to talk more about                         Auston Matthews.
1 p.m.:   Replay of 1991 Grey Cup game, Tranna Argos vs. Calgary Stampeders.
4 p.m.:   Interview with Rocket Ismail about the beer can one fan tossed at him on his TD                     run in the ’91 Grey Cup game.
5 p.m.:   Special CFL on TSN feature hosted by Rod Smith, who goes in-depth with the only                 six people in The ROT who still attend Argonauts games.
6 p.m.:   Sports Centre; Rod Smith spends an hour to confirm there are no games scheduled.
7 p.m.:   Glen Suitor Unplugged—Why I Left My Day Job to Become a Roadie for My Man                 Crush, Keith Urban.
8 p.m.:   Celebrity Hot Stove special, featuring Drake, Spike Lee and Jack Nicholson in                         conversation with celebrity host Dr. Phil, who moderates a discussion that asks the                 question: What makes a grown man make a complete ass clown of himself at a                       sports event?
9 p.m.:   Maple Leafs Poker After Dark.
10 p.m.: Maple Leafs 8-Ball After Dark.
11 p.m.: Maple Leafs Darts After Dark.
Midnight: Repeat loop.

Midnight: Replay of Game 7, Tranna Jurassics vs. Philly 76ers.
3 a.m.:   Interview with Kawhi Leonard about The Shot.
4 a.m.:   Interview with Drake about The Shot.
5 a.m.:   Drake interviews Leonard about The Shot.
6 a.m.:   Replay of Game 6, Tranna Jurassics vs. Golden State Warriors.
9 a.m.:   Interview with Drake about winning NBA championship.
10 a.m.: Replay of Tranna Jurassics victory parde.
Noon:    Highlights of Drake’s courtside antics.
1 p.m.:   Drake explains his courtside antics.
2 p.m.:   Replay of Game 6 of 1993 World Series, Blue Jays vs. Philly Phillies.
3 p.m.:   Feature on Joe Carter called “Touch ‘Em All, Joe.”
4 p.m.:    Interview with Joe Carter, who confirms he touched ’em all.
5 p.m.:    A ‘Where Were You When?’ special featuring various celebrities from the                                Republic of Tranna, who recall where they were when Joe Carter touched ’em all.
6 p.m.:   Sports Central with Carly Agro and Eric Thomas, who spend an hour to confirm                     there are no games scheduled.
7 p.m.:    Replay of 1992 World Series, Blue Jays vs. Atlanta Braves.
10 p.m.:  Interview with Drake, who explains why he isn’t a Blue Jays groupie.
11 p.m.:  Panel discussion among Sportsnet anchors who discuss why they talk about Drake                  so much.
Midnight: Repeat loop.

Let’s talk about women’s sports and the media…tough times for Ponytail Puck…pigging out on Big Macs…the Barnum and Bailey Brier…Chevy’s sales pitch to free agents…and other things on my mind

Another Sunday smorgas-bored…and I sprung forward this morning and brought some random thoughts along with me…

I think TSN and Sportsnet are trying to fool us into believing they actually give a damn about women’s sports.

Sportsnet’s Christine Simpson and Kim Davis.

I mean, both of our national jock networks have devoted copious air to the distaff portion of the playground in the past week, featuring interviews with movers and shakers like Stacey Allaster, Kim Davis, Kim Ng, Cammi Granato and Kendall Coyne Schofield, and they’ve also given us retro peeks at moments of girl glory delivered by Brooke Henderson, Bianca Andreescu and others.

It’s been boffo stuff.

And tonight we’ll hear the all-female broadcast crew of Leah Hextall, Cassie Campbell-Pascall and Christine Simpson work the Calgary Flames-Vegas Golden Knights skirmish on Hometown Hockey, something that—dare I say?—smacks of gimmickry and likely will have numerous men squirming and pressing the mute button on their remotes.

But here’s my question in the midst of all this rah, rah, rah about ponytail sports: Where are TSN and Sportsnet when it really matters?

You know, like when the Canadian Women’s Hockey League was in business. Like during the women’s Under-18 world hockey championship. TSN covering competition like the world shinny tourney or World Cup soccer are no-brainers, but to the best of my recollection Sportsnet broadcast the grand sum of two CWHL games before the operation bolted its doors last spring. I could be wrong. It might have been three. Meanwhile, TSN completely ignored the U18 event.

The National Women’s Hockey League, meanwhile, dropped the puck on its playoffs Friday night, but I haven’t heard a whisper about it on either network.

In the small hours of Thursday, Friday and Saturday mornings, I counted 136 news-related videos on the TSN website. The male sports v. female sports scorecard read 133-3 in favor of the dudes, and that included Justin Bieber practicing his shootout skills.

None of that’s surprising, of course, because numerous studies advise us that female jocks receive just two to six per cent of air time on sportscasts in the True North and U.S. The amount of space allotted to female sports in our daily newspapers would be similar. Maybe even less.

So, ya, it’s great that TSN and Sportsnet have been saluting women the past few days, but what’s their excuse for the other 51 weeks of the year?

According to a 2016 report, a study of sports coverage on our national networks (French and English) in 2014 showed that female athletes were featured in just four per cent of 35,000 hours of programming. More than half of that four per cent allotment showed women’s events at the Sochi Olympics and/or women’s tennis. Which means, of course, all other female activity received less than two per cent air time.

Whenever I contemplate the minimalist coverage female sports receives on air and in print, I think of comments from noted jock journos Steve Simmons and Bruce Dowbiggin.

“I don’t believe there’s a demand from the public for women’s sports,” Postmedia’s Simmons told the Ryerson Review of Journalism in 2002. He also advocated for the removal of women’s hockey from the Olympic Games in 2010, calling it a “charade.”

Dowbiggin, meanwhile, wrote last year that ponytail sports was “second-tier entertainment” and, in another piece, added, “You can’t swing a cat without hitting a lesbian in a women’s sport.”

I’m quite uncertain why Dowbiggin would want to swing a cat and hit a lesbian, or any woman for that matter, but I believe his indelicate and disturbingly crass remark about felines and females was an attempt at cutesy humor. If so, he failed. Miserably.

Point is, those are two loud voices in jock journalism completely dismissing female athletes.

Steve Simmons

Dowbiggin once was an award-winning jock journo and a main player on the national stage, twice winning a Gemini Award for sports reporting and broadcasting. He now cranks out opinion essays for Troy Media and his own Not The Public Broadcaster. Simmons is a high-profile columnist whose scribblings appear in Postmedia rags across the country.

As much as I wish it was otherwise, I’m afraid theirs is the prevailing attitude in our jock media.

It’s worth noting that neither of the Winnipeg dailies has a female in its stable of full-time sports scribes. The Drab Slab allows the talented and very readable Melissa Martin to make guest appearances for the provincial and national Scotties Tournament of Hearts, but the Sun hasn’t had a Jill writing jock stuff since Judy Owen left the building. Judy is one of only four female scribes with whom I worked during 30 years in the rag trade, the others being Peggy Stewart (Winnipeg Tribune), the lovely Rita Mingo (Trib) and Mary Ormsby (Toronto Sun). It’s been more than 50 years since I started at the Trib, and in that time I’ve known just five female sports writers in Good Ol’ Hometown—Judy, Peggy, Rita, Barb Huck and Ashley Prest. I know some women applied the last time the Sun had an opening, but Scott Billeck got the gig.

Billie Jean King

What a truly dreadful time it’s been for Ponytail Puck. First the CWHL ceased operations last spring, then close to 200 of the planet’s best players had a hissy fit and decided to boycott and trash talk the NWHL, and now the world championship in Nova Scotia has been cancelled due to the coronavirus. Tough to grow the game when all you have at the end of the day is a bunch of photo-ops with Billie Jean King.

Speaking of Billie Jean, she’ll be part of the Hometown Hockey telecast tonight on Sportsnet, but we shouldn’t expect any hard-hitting questions from either Ron MacLean or Tara Slone. My guess is MacLean will serve the tennis legend and women’s rights activist nothing but softball questions, while Tara swoons.

Sportsnet won’t be the only network featuring an all-female broadcast crew tonight. Kate Scott, Kendall Coyne Schofield and AJ Mleczko will be the voices for NBCSN’s telecast of the St. Louis Blues-Chicago Blackhawks skirmish, and I just hope they realize that criticism is part of the gig because they’ll be hearing it from the yahoos.

The PWHPA—also the talking heads on Sportsnet—would like the five-team NWHL to disappear at the conclusion of its fifth season, so they’ll be disappointed to hear this sound bite from NWHLPA director Anya Packer: “I’m excited to watch the growth. I think there’s going to be a lot of growth in the off-season. There’s a lot of conversations hosted today that will affect tomorrow. There’s a lot of conversations that happened before the season began that are going to make some major strides and changes as we move into season six. I’m excited for season six.” If they want to play serious shinny next winter, the PWHPA might want to rethink that boycott thing.

The rapidly spreading coronavirus has a number of sports teams/leagues talking about playing in empty stadiums. In other words, just like a Toronto Argonauts home game.

Chevy

Ya, I think it’s great that the National Hockey League salary cap is going up and Winnipeg Jets general manager Kevin Cheveldayoff will have a boatload of Puck Pontiff Mark Chipman’s cash to spend on free agents this summer, but that won’t make it any easier for Chevy to sell Good Ol’ Hometown to high-profile players. River City remains No. 1 on most NHLers’ no-go lists, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

I don’t know about you, but every time I see the Nashville Predators play, I have the same thought: “How do these guys beat anybody?”

Does this make sense to anyone other than Tranna Maple Leafs GM Kyle Dubas?
William Nylander: 30-goal seasons—1; salary—$9 million ($8.3 million bonus).
Kyle Connor:         30-goal seasons—3; salary—$7.5 million ($0 bonus).

People poke fun at the Canadian Football League for rewarding failure by giving a single point on a missed field goal. Well, excuse me, but the NHL does that very thing almost nightly with its ridiculous loser point.

Watched Sports Central on Sportsnet on Friday morning and I didn’t hear one word about the Brier. Nada. They managed to squeeze in highlights of Joey Chestnut pigging out on Big Macs, but the Canadian men’s curling championship wasn’t worthy of their attention. Canada’s #1 Sports Network my ass.

There’ve been so many incredible circus shots during this year’s Brier, I expected to see Barnum and Bailey meeting in today’s final.

So I call up the Globe and Mail on Saturday and note that Cathal Kelly is writing about the Brier. I roll my eyes, because Kelly doesn’t know a hog line from Hog Town. Well, surprise, surprise. It’s an excellent, entertaining read. And honest. “Don’t look for curling expertise here,” he writes. “You won’t find any.”

Did Northern Ontario skip Brad Jacobs look like he was having any fun before being ushered out of the Brier? I swear, he’s more serious than a tax audit, and it isn’t a good look.

WTF? During the first two Brier matches I watched on TSN last weekend, I heard three F-bombs and one goddamn. I heard zero F-bombs and zero goddamns during the entire week of watching the Scotties on TSN. Just saying.

Actually, I’d like to know why male curlers feel a need to go all potty mouth, yet the women don’t. I mean, they’re playing the same game, playing for the same stakes, making the same shots, feeling the same pressure. It would make for an interesting social study.

Big headlines all over the Internet last week about movie guy Spike Lee having a hissy fit and refusing to attend any more New York Knicks games this season. Hmmm. I must have missed the memo that informed us we’re supposed to give a damn what Spike Lee does.

Gotta say, TSN’s man on UFC, Robin Black, is the creepiest guy on sports TV.

Joey Chestnut

The aforementioned Joey Chestnut set some sort of world record for gluttony last week when he scarfed down 32 Big Macs in 38 minutes. We haven’t seen a pigout like that since Patrick Mahomes and the Kansas City Chiefs offence ate the San Francisco 49ers’ lunch in the Super Bowl.

The Winnipeg Jets are in the grip of an intense playoff battle, two Manitoba teams were running hot at the Brier, and what was featured on the sports front of the Winnipeg Sun last Monday morning? Toronto Blue Jays wannabe pitcher Nate Pearson. Good gawd, man, who makes those horrible decisions?

Wilma Rudolph

And, finally, in a salute to International Women’s Day, these are my fave female athletes of all time: Wilma Rudolph, Sue Bird, Martina Navratilova, Tessa Virtue, Nancy Greene, Evonne Goolagong, Katarina Witt, Steffi Graf and Jennifer Jones.