It’s only fake news if we make it up, and some of the following might be fake news…
- Mark Scheifele disappears into giant pothole
during Winnipeg Jets Stanley Cup parade
WINNIPEG—Over the years, fans of the Winnipeg Jets have often accused Mark Scheifele of disappearing during games.
Well, the now-you-see-him, now-you-don’t veteran literally vanished before their eyes as the National Hockey League club’s Stanley Cup parade inched its way along Portage Avenue during the noon hour here Wednesday.
The caravan had arrived in front of Canada Life Centre when the earth suddenly opened and the car carrying Scheifele plunged into a pothole the size of Grand Beach.
“I swear to gawd, man, that hole absolutely inhaled Scheif,” said one horrified onlooker, wearing a Jets jersey with the name Scheifele stitched on the back. “He was there one second and gone the next. It was like watching Joey Chestnut eat a hot dog.”
“It was like Alice falling down the rabbit hole,” said his friend, “except this won’t be no tea party. I hope they find the dude.”
Work crews were delayed in arriving on the scene, due to the enormous crowds lining both sides of the street, and they weren’t confident the crisis would have a happy-ever-after ending.
“All things being equal, we ought to have Mark out of that pothole and back on the street by suppertime,” said crew chief Mo Redwood. “But there’s no guarantee. You know how it is with us city workers…one guy does all the work and the other five guys stand around and watch him do all the work. Then, when you take into account a Slurpee break every 10 minutes, we could be in for an all-nighter.”
Mayor Scott Gillingham held an impromptu presser at the corner of Portage and Main, offering “thoughts and prayers” to Scheifele but also striking an optimistic note.
“Finally,” he said, “players from other NHL teams can come to Winnipeg and squawk about something other than our crappy WiFi.”
- Bombers win Grey Cup; mayor cancels parade
WINNIPEG—Due to near tragedy during the Winnipeg Jets championship parade in June, Winnipeg City Council has voted to cancel a scheduled Grey Cup parade for the Blue Bombers.
“We can’t take the risk,” Mayor Scott Gillingham said. “Think about it: If a scrawny guy like Mark Scheifele can cave in Portage Avenue, what would happen if a couple of 300-pounders like Stanley Bryant and Jermarcus Hardrick rode in the same car? I cannot in all good conscience allow our great football players to put their careers at risk by riding in a motorcade on our potholed streets.”
Hizzoner Gillingham said in lieu of a parade there will be a rally at The Forks.
“We just hope Stanley and Jermarcus don’t fall into the Red or the Assiniboine Rivers,” he quipped. “We like it when the Bombers make a big splash, but not that kind of splash.”
Mayor Gillingham later apologized for his bad dad joke.
- Sarah Nurse becomes answer to PWHL trivia question
REPUBLIC OF TRANNA—Sara Nurse rang in the New Year with a large dose of history.
It took Nurse just one minute and 22 seconds to score the first goal in Professional Women’s Hockey League history, then she added another to send Toronto on its way to a 4-2 victory over New York before a sellout crowd at Mattamy Athletic Centre on Monday afternoon.
Nurse, a mainstay with Canada’s national team, scored on her first shot in the first PWHL game, much to the delight of 2,600 patrons, some of whom likely arrived at the site of storied Maple Leaf Gardens with New Year’s hangovers.
“I’m sure that would have sobered them up,” Nurse joked. “And I guess that makes me the answer to a trivia question. It doesn’t rank up there with Paul Henderson’s goal or Sidney Crosby’s golden goal or any of Marie-Philip Poulin’s golden goals, but only one player can say they scored the first goal in the PWHL, so I’ll take it. Most important, we won the game.”
Nurse’s stick, sweater and the puck were promptly turned over to a Hockey Hall of Fame official wearing white gloves.
- Female athletes have come a long way, baby
VICTORIA TO ST. JOHN’S—Mainstream media have finally discovered what numerous websites and bloggers have known for years—females play sports. And many of them are very good at it.
Female athletes have moved from the back pages to the front page of sports sections across the land, and they’ve become top-of-the-show material on sports hightlight programs on TSN and Sportsnet, rather than end-of-the-hour filler.
“It’s like they used to say in the Virginia Slims ads back in my day: You’ve come a long way, baby,” said tennis legend and activist Billie Jean King, who’s part of the Professional Women’s Hockey League braintrust. “Media and sponsors that haven’t come on board aren’t reading the room properly. Female sports is where it’s at today, and the male sports editors and male program directors who are slow on the uptake will find themselves on the wrong side of history.”
- Gary Bettman’s gay grandson chosen 1st overall in NHL draft
LAS VEGAS—The No. 1 pick in today’s NHL Entry Draft, Richie Petty, is the out and proud gay grandson of commissioner Gary Bettman.
“Yes, it’s true,” Bettman told a gathering of news snoops. “My grandson is gay. And by sheer coincidence, we’ll now be using rainbow-colored pucks this season. We call it the Pride Puck. And we’re replacing the pre-game national anthems in all rinks with recordings of Judy Garland’s classic Over the Rainbow from The Wizard of Oz.”
When asked to explain his about-face on the LGBT(etc.) file—from anti-gay rulings such as bans on Pride warmup jerseys (a “distraction”) and Pride tape to now embracing the Rainbow—Puck Czar Bettman said: “Who me? Anti-gay? Like most things, the anti-gay narrative, as it relates to myself, was the creation of an over-imaginative, snowflake media. I think if you talk to young Richie, my grandson will assure you that his Grandpops isn’t anti-gay and has never been anti-gay. If you had done your due diligence, you’d know that whenever I babysat him over the years we always watched Ru Paul’s Drag Show together.”
- Great 8 flees home to Mother Russia;
Great Gretzky’s goal-scoring record safe
MOSCOW—Alex Ovechkin has given up his quest to become the NHL’s all-time greatest goal-scorer.
The Great 8 announced yesterday that he would finish his career with CSKA Moscow, even though he’s just 46 goals shy of Wayne Gretzky’s record of 894.
“I cannot be seen shooting and scoring with this new Pride Puck the NHL will use,” Ovi told the Russian news agency TASS during a hastily called news conference in Red Square. “My close comrade and leader-for-life Vladdy P. has put in place strict laws against promoting the gay lifestyle. Penalties are harsh, like Siberian winter. If I’m breaking Gretzky’s record, they would want photograph of him and me holding rainbow Pride Puck and smiling like two stupid gay men. It would maybe mean gulag for me. I will instead lick Vladdy P.’s boots and shoot and score with black puck on CSKA team.”
Meantime, the Great Gretzky issued this brief statement: “It’s a real shame that Alex has chosen to lick Vladimir Putin’s boots instead of chasing my record.”
- Grapes ripe for return to Hockey Night in Canada
REPUBLIC OF TRANNA—Sources say Sportsnet has reached an agreement to bring Don Cherry back to Hockey Night in Canada.
“It’s a done deal,” said a person with knowledge of negotiations. “It’s my understanding that they’ve agreed to all of Grapes’ demands, foremost among them being the removal of Ron MacLean as host of Hockey Night.”
The source also said the new intermission segment with Cherry will be called You People, not Coach’s Corner, and he will have “free rein to talk about poppies, milk and honey, foreigners, French-Canadians…any marginalized group he thinks he can offend.”
Contacted for a comment, the 89-year-old Cherry would neither confirm nor deny: “I can’t tell you anythink about that. But if it’s true, MacLean won’t be SITTIN’ BESIDE ME! If he wants to talk about history and philosophy, then he should apply for a JOB WITH PBS!’ But I ain’t sayin’ nothink about that. I guess all you media pinkos will have to WAIT TO FIND OUT! I might tell my friends at the Toronto Sun first. They aren’t pinkos. They didn’t crucify me when I was fired, and they wear poppies and EVERYTHINK LIKE THAT!”
There’s no word on who’ll serve as Cherry’s sidekick, but it’s believe Tucker Carlson is being considered.
- RCMP act ‘Swift-ly’ when Taylor’s flight detours to Moose Jaw
MOOSE JAW—A flight carrying pop star Taylor Swift to the next gig on her Eras Tour was forced to detour and make an unplanned stop in this Canadian prairie outpost.
According to airport officials, RCMP boarded the plane upon landing and restrained an unruly passenger later identified as Travis Kelce, a tight end with Kansas City Chiefs of the NFL and Ms. Swift’s boyfriend.
An RCMP spokesperson said Mr. Kelce was extremely loud and belligerent when they approached.
“He’s a very large man and in excellent condition, so he was difficult to handle…I sure wish the Saskatchewan Roughriders had a big, strong boy like him on their roster,” the spokesperson said. “As to his behaviour, Mr. Kelce kept screaming something about ‘goddamn wide receivers who can’t catch a pass if their mother’s life depended on it!’ and ‘Why do Mahomes and I have to do everything?’ Fortunately, Ms. Swift was able to calm Mr. Kelce down by reminding him that he’s her plus-one wherever they go, not the other way around.”
She added that there hadn’t been “this kind of nefarious activity” since Prohibition, when gangsters Al Capone and Diamond Jim Brady were running a bootlegging business in the Moose Jaw tunnels.
Meantime, Ms. Swift was visibly shaken by the ordeal.
“This is insane!” she said. “It’s bad enough that Travis lost his mind. But is there really a place on earth named Moose Jaw?”
- Football rivalry in La Belle Province is no lark;
CFL adds 10th franchise in Ville de Quebec
QUEBEC CITY—The Canadian Football League has its long-desired 10th franchise, but it isn’t on the East Coast.
Les Harfangs des Neiges de la Ville de Québec/Quebec City Snowy Owls were ushered in by commissioner Randy Ambrosie at a press conference yesterday in the Jacques Cartier Room of Le Chateau Frontenac, with Eric Tillman and Marc Trestman introduced as president/general manager and head coach, respectively.
The Snowy Owls will begin play in 2025.
Asked by Dave Naylor of TSN why the new franchise would hire a head coach with such strong links to the Snowy Owls’ soon-to-be arch rival Montreal Alouettes, Ambrosie said: “I’ll remind you, Dave, that Marc won a Grey Cup with the Toronto Argonauts as recently as 2017, and that might be what some of our younger fans recall. But, yes, you’re right that he’s remembered mostly for the success he had with the Alouettes, winning two Grey Cups. What’s most important to remember here is that our owners and general managers are convinced that there’s only about 20 men in the world qualified to coach a CFL team. Nine of them already have jobs and, of the other 11, half are dead. Marc is one of the undead guys. And so, like so many, he comes out of the recycle bin. But we believe his ties to the Larks will add to the provincial rivalry. Football is gonna be for the birds and lots of fun in Quebec come 2025.”
Meanwhile, Herb Zurkowsky of the Montreal Gazette tracked down retired quarterback Kevin Glenn, the only man to have played for, or was the property of, all nine CFL teams. He wondered if Glenn would contemplate signing a one-day deal to make it a perfect 10-for-10.
“I always wanted to retire as a Snowy Owl,” Glenn replied with a chuckle.
- All bets are off if new law passes
OTTAWA—The Liberal government introduced a bill yesterday that would outlaw advertising for betting sites during live sports events and news shows such as SportsCentre on TSN and Sportsnet Central.
The ban would include programming before midnight and 24 hours on weekends.
“They’ve crapped out,” said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. “The gambling ads are ruining the broadcasts. They spend more time talking about betting odds than the actual games. I’m sure kids watching would rather hear about their favorite players, not the over/under on how often Connor McDavid spits during a game or how many teeth Brent Burns is missing. And, on a personal note, I’ve been losing my shirt betting on the Senators. They lose more than they win, but I can’t bet against them.”
Bet99 bookies list Bill C-389 (also known as Bill Lose Your Shirt) at +1000 to pass through the House and Senate, and -250 for Trudeau to lose the next federal election.
- Olympics shocker: Russian runner is clean!
PARIS—The Summer Olympic Games were rocked by scandal yesterday when International Olympic Committee officials discovered a clean Russian athlete.
“We were shocked,” said IOC president Thomas Bach. “We didn’t recognize her as Russian at first, because she didn’t have a syringe stuck in her butt. I don’t think we’ve seen a clean Russian Olympian since…well, since ever. Russians with beards and mustaches and tattoos have been showing up at the Games since the 1960s and ’70s—and those were the women! East Germany was just as bad back in the day. Their female weightlifters had 5 o’clock shadows at 5 a.m.”
The clean Russian in Paris is distance runner Natasha Kusnetzov.
“I worry for her well-being, and that of the mad scientists in Moscow,” said Bach. “Vladimir Putin is going to pitch a fit when he finds out they haven’t been cheating.”
- Merry New Year
VICTORIA—A little old lady has refused to shout at clouds on the final day of 2023, and she wishes the five or six people who read her blog a merry New Year instead.
The River City Renegade 
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