Let’s talk about Secretariat 50 years later while wondering if we really saw what we saw…Hot dog! Bombers win…football and Father Time…adieu Pierre-Luc…no love for the Golden Knights?…the Golf Tour To Be Named Later…golden Goldeyes voices…Provorov’s Pride Month gift…“Norm!”…and other things on my mind…

Anyone who’s made the journey around the sun 72 times has seen some things and harbors “I remember where I was that day” recollections.

Like the Belmont Stakes on June 9, 1973, a Saturday.

I was covering the Manitoba Amateur Hockey Association annual meeting for the Winnipeg Tribune that day and, during a lull in the shinny summit, a few of us gathered in a room at the Airliner Hotel on Ellice Avenue in Good Ol’ Hometown to watch the great Secretariat attempt to become horse racing’s first Triple Crown winner since Citation in 1948.

There was a lunar-landing type of anticipation as we scrunched around a TV set as bulky as a St. Bernard, each of us hoping to witness something special.

And what we watched on that TV screen was, well, surreal.

Was it actually happening? Was Secretariat really leading the race by five…10…15…20 lengths? Even as Big Red was in full, unparalleled giddyup, time seemed suspended, frozen if you will. Our eyes were as wide as dinner plates, our jaws planted on the floor. The only sound we heard was the voice of race announcer Chic Anderson.

“He is moving like a TREMENDOUS MACHINE!” Chic said as Secretariat began to put considerable dirt between himself and his four foes on the backstretch.

There was more than a slight suggestion in Chic’s voice that, like us, he wasn’t convinced he believed what his eyes were telling him. No horse, ever, had moved like that, with such speed and power and strength and beauty and perfection. And seemingly so effortlessly.

As Canadian jockey Ron Turcotte turned Secretariat for home and the big colt with the blue-and-white checkered face covering began thundering down the stretch, it suddenly became real. This was actually happening. It wasn’t something Rod Serling had conjured up for his Twilight Zone.

And now we were drowning out Chic’s voice.

“Don’t break a leg! Don’t break a leg! Don’t break a leg!” barked Muzz MacPherson, head coach of the freshly minted Centennial Cup champion Portage Terriers.

Muzz’s face was flush and red. He was clutching his fedora in both hands, pleading and praying.

By the time Secretariat poked his nose under the wire, the rest of the field (Twice A Prince, My Gallant, Pvt. Smiles and Sham) was running in another time zone. Thirty-one lengths (31!) separated Big Red and second-place finisher Twice A Prince. That’s almost the length of an American football field. This chestnut three-year-old (Anderson described him as a “miracle horse”) had galloped the mile and a half in 2:24 flat, a record for equine lickety-split that stands unassailed.

By way of comparison, Arcangelo won the Belmont on Saturday in a (comparatively) slow-pokeish 2:29.23.

On occasion, I watch a replay of the 1973 Belmont Stakes just because. Sometimes I do it to confirm that I truly saw what I truly saw in a hotel room 50 years and two days ago. Whatever the case, I don’t mind admitting it always renders me teary-eyed, as does the movie Secretariat. It’s such feel-good stuff, and I shall forever marvel at the great horse’s majesty and the magic-like spell he cast on an entire continent while romping to wins in the Kentucky Derby, Preakness Stakes and the Belmont.

I’ve been following sports since the mid-1950s, and Secretariat’s gallop at Belmont Park in Elmont, N.Y., on June 9, 1973, is the most astonishing athletic performance I’ve ever seen. For me, there really is no comparable.

Kind of hard to believe that Jena Antonucci became the first female trainer to win a Triple Crown race on Saturday at Belmont Park, but, at the same time, it isn’t so hard to believe. The ponies at that level are very much a man’s business, so bravo to Jena.

And so it begins. The Winnipeg Blue Bombers opened their Rouge Football redemption tour with a W on Friday night—a 42-31 beatdown of the Hamilton Tabbies—and they also introduced a hot dog that’s big enough to feed half the 29,057 folks at the Football Field In Fort Garry. Well, okay, that’s a stretch. But the tube steak is 32 inches long and goes for $45. And, hey, it includes fries. So if almost three feet of wiener doesn’t have you reaching for the Tums, the fries ought to do it.

To hear Milt Stegall tell it, the Bombers entered the 2023 Canadian Football League fray with a bunch of guys using walkers and canes, also living in personal care homes and cashing old age security cheques. “The window will close on the foundation, the nucleus of this team, after this year,” Milt said on TSN’s pigskin panel in advance of the opening kickoff. “I say that because Father Time is undefeated. Adam Bighill 34, Stanley Bryant 37, Zach Collaros 34, Jackson Jeffcoat 32, Willie Jefferson 32, Mike Miller 34, Patrick Neufeld 34, Jermarcus Hardrick 33…all those guys will not be back next year. They can’t stand pat. I don’t care if they go 18-and-oh and win the Grey Cup, they will start making changes, so those guys need to understand this is the final run for the nucleus, for the majority of the nucleus, for this team.” Milt must have a dulled memory. So I’ll remind the Bombers’ legend what he accomplished once his teeth had begun to grow long: Eight 1,000-yard seasons in his 30s; a 1,000-yard receiver at age 37; 22.8 yards per catch at age 35; took the rock to the house 23 times at age 32; the second longest TD jog of his career (101 yards) at age 35. So, I say “age shmage.” Team Long In Tooth is the morning-line favorite to swill bubbly from the Grey Grail come November, and they can worry about next year next year. And, hey, they also can cash their winner’s cheques the same day as their OAS cheques.

Interesting to note that four of the greybeards Stegall mentioned are listed in the top 10 of TSN’s 50 best players in Rouge Football—Collaros (1), Bryant (4), Jefferson (6) and Bighill (10).

Anyone notice the head count for the Stampeders home-opener in Calgary? Just 17,942. The fact they were thumped by the B.C. Leos won’t do anything to attract repeat customers. Not good.

Pierre-Luc Dubois

Report: Pierre-Luc Dubois wants to see Winnipeg in his rear view mirror. Reaction: JFK is dead and WWII is over. Like, tell me something I don’t know. Let me know when the Jets move their No. 1/No. 2 centre to another National Hockey League way station and, more important, give me the skinny on what the local shinny side receives in barter, then we can discuss.

Here’s a thought: Few NHL players list Good Ol’ Hometown as a desired destination, so, whatever the return for Dubois, how long will the new guy(s) last in Jets linen? Dubois, the compensation for Patrik Laine and Jack Roslovic, managed to stomach 2 1/2 seasons, meaning a priority for Puck Pontiff Mark Chipman and GM Kevin Cheveldayoff has to be guys with term (four or more years) coming back their way. That way, they avoid a similar scenario. Until the next time.

This is an odd bit of commentary from Mad Mike McIntyre of the Drab Slab re Dubois’ bid for freedom: “There’s another query in this saga that few, if any, are asking. And I’d suggest it’s the most important one of all. What the heck is going on around here that a player like PLD is so eager to get a one-way ticket out of town at his earliest opportunity? The Jets would be wise to figure that one out, and fast, even if it’s likely to uncover some uncomfortable truths.” Say again? Few, if any, are asking? Mad Mike might want to up his reading game, because that question has been asked numerous times by jock journos and bloggers, also fans, who’ve noticed the lengthy queue of players looking for an escape route out of Good Ol’ Hometown (Evander Kane, Jacob Trouba, Dustin Byfuglien, Patrick Laine, Jack Roslovich, Logan Stanley, Dubois).
Here’s just one example…
Arctic Ice Hockey, January 2021: “Why did another player leave Winnipeg? The Jets really need to look at the mirror when they see the early departures. Something is not right and needs to be fixed. With so many young players leaving the Jets, the onus needs to be on the Jets to figure out how to retain them because at this point it seems like it is an internal factor pushing players away instead of an external one like the weather.”
Seems to me that Mad Mike is parroting what was written by a blogger two years ago. But, hey, AIH isn’t a big city daily newspaper, so I guess what bloggers write doesn’t count.

Boffo piece on Harvey Rosen in Saturday’s Drab Slab. Geoff Kirbyson paints a wonderful picture of Harvey, longtime Canadian Press and Jewish Post sports scribe who was everyone’s favorite press box neighborhood. Harvey left us a while back.

I’ve been seeing a lot of anti-Vegas Golden Knights commentary on social media, and I don’t get it. Is it because the NHL supposedly made it too easy for them to be competitive from the get-go? If so, mule muffins! They started six years ago with a bunch of guys nobody else wanted, and they’ve moved on from the original group with smart roster tinkering through barter and free agency. When did it become a felony to be good?

I don’t care that his team is in the Stanley Cup final, I still think Florida Panthers head coach Paul Maurice is a potty-mouth, snake oil salesman. But news snoops can’t get enough of his sound bites, so I guess that’s all that matters.

How poetic: Anti-LGBT(etc.) defencemen Ivan Provorov has been traded during Pride Month. Provorov, of course, was the first of seven NHL players who wanted no part of their teams’ Pride night initiatives during the 2022-23 season, and now he finds himself house hunting in Columbus, an LGBT(etc.)-friendly burg that received a perfect score on the Human Rights Campaign’s 2022 Municipal Equality Index. If Provorov hurries, he can get to his new home in time for the annual Pride parade.

Given the amount of trash talk between the warring sides in the past 12 months, the PGA Tour climbing into bed with Saudi oil barons/LIV Golf has to be the oddest match since Andre Agassi and Barbra Streisand got cozy in the 1990s. It’s kind of like the Pinkertons going into the bank-robbing business with the James-Younger Gang, but great gobs of cashola sometimes makes for strange bedfellows. LIV Golf was never about anything more than purse strings and power, even if high-profile dudes like Phil Mickelson, Bryson DeChambeau, Brooks Koepka, Dustin Johnson, Patrick Reed and Sergio Garcia tried to con us into believing their escape from the PGA Tour was “good for the game.” In truth, $100 million-plus signing bonuses was good for their bank accounts and, one presumes, their stress levels. I mean, one need not sweat over five-foot par putts when there’s a Brinks truck parked beside the Benz in the driveway.

After news of the Saudi takeover broke last Tuesday, there was concern about Rory McIlroy, who wasn’t heard from or seen for 24 hours. Not to worry, though. They found him right where PGA Tour commish Jay Monahan had left him—under the bus.

Something tells me it won’t be long before Rory and the players hurl Monahan under the same bus.

The freshly minted PGA Tour-DP World Tour-Saudi Public Investment Fund co-op needs a name. How about the Oil’s Well That Ends Well Golf Tour? After all, an abundance of oil wells is the reason the Saudis are picking up the tab for global golf (male division).

Now that détente seemingly has arrived, here’s what I want to know: Will the Golf Tour To Be Named Later allow its players to wear short pants?

Peter and Ronny

Loved seeing this pic of two of my all-time favorite news snoops, Peter Young and Lester (Ronny) Lazaruk, the original voices of the Winnipeg Goldeyes. Spent more than a minute sharing yuks with Peter in the Bombers/Jets press boxes back in the day when we knew a lot less than we thought we knew, and Ronny and I were colleagues when the good ship Winnipeg Tribune ran aground in August 1980. Such a nice, friendly, fun guy.

Hip-hip-hooray and a tip of the bonnet to Hustler Paterson and Michael Remis, whose Winnipeg Sports Talk on YouTube has passed the 2,000,000-views milestone. That’s boffo.

According to Guinness World Records, a Labrador/German shepherd pooch named Zoey has the longest tongue among all the world’s living dogs, five inches. Meantime, in the human category, it’s believed Guinness wanted to credit ESPN blabbermouth Stephen A. Smith with having the world’s most worn-out tongue, but he won’t shut up long enough for anyone to take an accurate measurement.

It occurs to me that patrons at Roland Garros have been rather boorish at times during the French Open fortnight. I mean, booing Daria Kasatkina, a Russian, because of something Elina Svitolina, a Ukrainian, didn’t want to do (shake hands post-match)? Beyond stupid. If anything, Kasatkina should be applauded for a) publicly denouncing her homeland’s invasion of Ukraine and b) having the courage to come out as openly gay in the face of Vlad Putin’s anti-LGBT(etc.) laws. I can think of some Russian hockey players who don’t have balls that big (looking at you, Ivan Provorov).

Meantime, booing Svitolina because she declined a handshake with Aryna Sabalenka, a Belarusian, after their quarterfinal match? Totally lame. What part of the Russia/Belarus invasion of Ukraine do the French not understand? If they were keeping score at home, they’d know Russia has been lobbing bombs at Ukraine and killing innocent people for the past 17 months.

And, finally, Sam Malone’s bar from the TV sitcom Cheers sold at auction for $675,000 last weekend in Dallas. Coincidentally, $675,000 was also the bar tab that Norm Peterson rang up during the show’s 11-season run. I watch Cheers most days on CMT, and I don’t recall ever seeing Norm reach into his pockets to pay for a pint. Kind of like a few sports scribes I once knew.

Let’s talk about Bill Belichick and his Patriots games…fan girls and fan boys on TV…a clueless Bayless…long live Emma Peel…the mother of all tennis tournaments…Danny Gallivan and the Kit Kat Chunk-O-Rama…and other things on my mind

Another Sunday morning smorgas-bored..and apparently the border closing doesn’t apply to wild fires because I’ve spent the past three days sucking in smoke from Washington state. Most unpleasant…

Bill Belichick

The National Football League season has kicked off, and the New England Patriots will try to win the Super Bowl with Cam Newton at quarterback instead of future Hall of Famer Tom Brady.

Patriots fans need not worry, though.

Head coach Bill Belichick assures them that Newton can throw a deflated football as far and as accurately as Brady, and the rest of the cheating will take care of itself.

Zack Wheeler was unable to make his scheduled start on the mound for the Philly Phillies on Saturday, because he tore the nail on his middle right finger while putting on his pants. Serves him right for breaking one of those “unwritten rules” of baseball and trying to put his pants on two legs at a time.

Just a thought: In this truly bizarro, upside-down/inside-out 2020, I wonder if the real killers are searching for O.J.?

Okay, let me get this straight: Last year, Kawhi Leonard was God of Hardwood and a legend. There was talk of a statue. This year, Kyle Lowry is God of Hardwood and a legend. There is talk of a statue. If this keeps up, the Tranna Jurassics will have as many statues as the Maple Leafs blueline.

Kara Wagland

The shameless cheerleading for the Jurassics on TSN reached epic levels following their win in Game 6 of the now-concluded National Basketball Association playoff skirmish v. Boston Celtics. Fan girls Kara Wagland and Lindsay Hamilton were borderline orgasmic, with a breathless and swooning Wagland clutching her prayer beads and gasping, “Hopefully, the Raptors will find a way to keep it going in Game 7.” I swear, I haven’t seen anyone at TSN so smitten since Glen Suitor leaned in and gave Keith Urban a hickey during last year’s Grey Cup game. Meantime, after the Jurassics had been ushered out of the NBA bubble, Hamilton began SportsCentre by saying, “This one stings.” Geez, I hope her dog doesn’t dies.

Similarly, Michael Grange of Sportsnet went all fan boy scant seconds after the Jurassics’ Game 7 ouster in Florida on Friday, saying: “As Raptors fans we…” As Raptors fans? We? C’mon, man. You’re supposed to be covering the team, not waving pom-poms.

Did anyone miss Drake jumping to his feet and doing the court jester thing during the Jurassics’ aborted playoff push? Didn’t think so.

Skip Bayless and Dak Prescott

I don’t know Skip Bayless, but I’m pretty sure he’s a complete ass. If you haven’t been introduced, Bayless is one of those TV gum-flappers who long ago fell in love with the sound of his own squawk box, and that somehow led him to a gig as blowhard-in-residence on the Fox Sports rant-and-rave show Undisputed. And that’s where he decided that World Suicide Prevention Day was the ideal time to trash Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, who had appeared on In Depth with Graham Bensinger and spoke candidly of battling depression. “I don’t have sympathy for him going public with ‘I got depressed, I suffered depression early in COVID, to the point that I couldn’t even work out,” Bayless barked in a chin-wag with Shannon Sharpe. “Look, he’s the quarterback of America’s Team, and you know and I know, this sport that you play, it is dog-eat-dog. It is no compassion, no quarter given on the football field. If you reveal publicly any little weakness, it can affect your team’s ability to believe in you in the toughest spots, and it definitely can encourage others on the other side to come after you. You just can’t go public with it, in my humble opinion.” Well, first of all, if you’ve seen and heard Bayless, you’ll know that he’s humble like a bowl of Corn Flakes is a cure for COVID. Second, what he said was disgraceful. Depression should be discussed. Out loud. And it’s beneficial when someone in Prescott’s position isn’t shy about sharing his experience and vulnerability.

Dame Diana/Emma Peel

Dame Diana Rigg is dead. Long live Emma Peel, probably the sexiest, most kick-ass woman in the history of television. Dame Diana as Mrs. Peel on The Avengers was Audrey Hepburn with a fencing sword, guns and serious smarts. Adorned in black leather cat suits, 1960s-chic jump suits, mini-skirts and heels, she whomped more bad guys than John Wayne, and a swift kick to the groin never looked so elegant and graceful. “Give a man a pudding and Diana Rigg during the lunch hour and experience shows he will be a thing of slobbering contentment from start to finish,” New York Newsday declared in 1994. Men who remember The Avengers will nod in agreement. Ditto some women I know.

Olympic champ Mo Farrah of Britain ran 13¼ miles in one hour recently. No man has run that far, that fast since Saddam Hussein heard there were U.S. boots on the ground in Iraq.

Serena Williams

Why is it that when someone whispers a discouraging word about Serena Williams her apologists go into attack mode like junkyard dogs and make it about race and gender? I don’t like her because she’s been the neighborhood bully for years, also a total drama queen. Those are the same reasons I detested tennis brats John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors when they’d go off their nut during the 1970s and ’80s. It isn’t always about race and gender. Sometimes it’s about being a poor sport and ugly loser.

Apparently, the U.S. Open was the mother of all tennis tournaments because there were nine moms in the draw, and the squawk boxes on ESPN took the motherhood theme and milked it as though they were the first female athletes to give birth. As if. The talking heads might want to check out the Scotties Tournament of Hearts some time. It’s not official unless at least a dozen players are pregnant or breast feeding.

Naomi Osaka and Serena Williams after the 2018 U.S. Open final.

When is a tennis Grand Slam not a Grand Slam? When six of the top eight women in the world, and 15 of the top 50, take a pass. Which means, yes, Naomi Osaka’s victory in the women’s singles final at Flushing Meadows in Queens, NYC, warrants an asterisk. I can’t recall a weaker women’s draw, and I’ve been following tennis since I was knee high to Billie Jean King. No Ash Barty (No. 1), no Simona Halep (No. 2), no Elina Svitolina (No. 5), no Bianca Andreescu (No. 6), no Kiki Bertens (No. 7), no Belinda Bencic (No. 8). Having said that, it was nice to see young Naomi enjoy a U.S. Open title without Serena Williams taking the moment hostage with her boorish bullying.

The same has to be said about the men’s draw, which began sans Rafa Nadal and Roger Federer and lost Novak Djokovic due to a hissy fit, whereby the world No. 1 launched a tennis ball into the throat of a line judge and was told to leave the building. You have to beat the best to be the best, and neither Dominic Thiem or Alexander Zverev have done that in Gotham.

Gasbag Stephen A. Smith of ESPN says U.S. Open officials were too harsh and hasty in defaulting Djokovic. “You’ve gotta be kidding me. I’m like, you’ve got to be kidding me,” he squawked. The way Stephen A. has it figured, a whispered tsk-tsk and slap on the wrist would have been sufficient punishment because the Joker “showed up to play during a pandemic when he didn’t have to.” Ya, that makes him a real hero. Look, Djokivic only showed up because he wears tin foil on his head and thinks COVID is a rumor. And, of course, he saw a U.S. Open title that should have been easy pickings.

Milos Raonic

Got a kick out of a Cathal Kelly column in the Globe and Mail last week. “That golden age of Canadian tennis everyone started talking about 10 years ago? It’s no longer coming. We’re in the middle of it,” he declared. Sounds reasonable, except Kelly informed us that Canadian tennis was already “in the midst of its golden age” back in 2016. Hmmm. Milos Roanic won the grand total of one tournament that year, although he flirted with history at Wimbledon, and Genie Bouchard was already into her plummet from world No. 6 to bikini model (she was ranked No. 272 this morning). In 2016, it was more like the Golden Age of Coming Close and a Dizzying Freefall.

Genie Bouchard

Kelly also noted that three homebrews—Felix Auger-Aliassime, Vasek Pospisil, Denis Shapovalov—advanced to the round of 16 at the current U.S. Open, making it “already the greatest tournament in Canadian history.” Good grief. Two guys getting properly paddywhacked in the fourth round and a third bowing out in the quarters of a watered-down tournament is “the greatest?” That’s like sitting in a five-star restaurant and saying the scraps under the table next to you are better than anything you see on the menu. I mean, at Wimbledon 2014 we had one finalist, Genie Bouchard, one semifinalist, Milos Raonic, and one doubles champion, Pospisil. And oh, by the way, I seem to recall a young lass named Bianca Andreescu collecting all the marbles just a year ago at Flushing Meadows. Yup. Whupped Serena Williams in the 2019 U.S. Open final. But, hey, perhaps Kelly was napping that day. Ya, that must be why he’s telling us that winning in the third and fourth rounds trumps Wimbledon 2014 and Bianca’s Grand Slam singles title. Also her win at Indian Wells. And the Rogers Cup. Kelly needs a Tennis 101 primer.

Depending on one’s definition of “Golden Age,” here’s what our net set has delivered in singles play on the main WTA and ATP tours in the past decade:
Whenever I see the name Dayana Yastremska in a tennis draw, I always think someone has misspelled Yastrzemski.

Hey now, here’s some dandy news: Squints at the University of Helsinki and the University of Eastern Finland claim to have discovered a cure for the hangover. It’s something called L-cysteine supplements and it also reduces “the need of drinking the next day.” If true, it’ll be the greatest discovery since Sandy Koufax found the strike zone in the 1960s.

Dave Hodge

Great tweet from long time broadcaster and former Hockey Night in Canada host Dave Hodge: “The ultimate definition of ‘priceless’ would have been the look on Danny Gallivan’s face if they told him to identify power plays as brought to you by ‘Kit Kat Chunky, now 20% chunkier.’” I can hear the great Gallivan doing the play-by-play now: “There’s the Savardian spinorama and now a cannonading blast by Lafleur, who couldn’t beat Gerry Cheevers’ rapier-like right hand as the 20 per cent chunkier Kit Kat Chunky power play comes to an end and Cheevers adjusts his paraphernalia.”

How does this figure? Marc-Andre Fleury, a goaltender, finished 19th in Lady Byng voting as the National Hockey League’s most gentlemanly player, and another goaltender, Connor Hellebuyck, finished 21st. Either some members of the Professional Hockey Writers Association don’t take their voting privilege seriously, or they shouldn’t be casting ballots.

Steve Nash

This made me laugh…
Steve Simmons, Postmedia Tranna, on Sept. 6: “Two words that never, ever, should be attached to Steve Nash: White privilege.”
Steve Nash, head coach Brooklyn Nets, on Sept. 9: “I have benefited from white privilege.”
D’oh!

More stupidity from Simmons: “Suddenly, the Vancouver Canucks matter. They haven’t mattered much since the years of the Sedin brothers, Roberto Luongo and the Stanley Cup that should have been. They didn’t matter much before that.” Sigh. Only someone in the Republic of Tranna would write something so foolish. For the record, the Canucks have mattered since 1970 on the West Coast, long before they didn’t win “a Stanley Cup that should have been.”

Simmons scribbles his slop about the Canucks, then has the gonads to call out “writers and broadcasters spreading falsehoods.” I have four words for him: Phil Kessel, hot dogs.

And, finally, how can the 2020-21 PGA season already be underway when they haven’t played the 2020 U.S. Open yet? Or is next weekend’s golf tournament the 2021 U.S. Open? I’m so confused.

Let’s talk about skeptics and the Winnipeg Blue Bombers…the long and short of Check Down Charlie…get off my lawn!…that rainy day feeling in the CFL…no one like Gizmo…Smilin’ Hank, bad manners and cheese…Brooke and Bianca…just the facts, ma’am…and going to beat 100,000

Another Sunday smorgas-bored…and hold all my phone calls today while I watch women’s tennis…

Skepticism abounds. And I get that.

I mean, when there’s been nothing but nothingness for going on 29 years, the tendency is to stick an italicized “ya but” at the end of every happy thought about the Winnipeg Blue Bombers.

They beat the Calgary Stampeders. “Ya but…they’ve gotta play ’em two more times.”

Janarion Grant

Janarion Grant is an electric kick returner. “Ya but…what about that lame offence?”

Crown Lands was a boffo halftime show. “Ya but…don’t they have any barber shops where those boys come from?”

And so it was for me while watching Winnipeg FC make fewer mistakes than the Stampeders on Thursday night at Football Follies Field in Fort Garry. It was like those commercials where there’s a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, both of them yanking on some poor sap’s good-versus-evil chain?

Only instead of a devil and an angel, it was a Cynic and a Polyanna nattering in my ears and, after listening to them squawk for three hours and a day, I needed an aspirin. Or a pint.

Seriously, for every blah-blah-blah there was a yadda-yadda-yadda.

Coach LaPo

Pollyanna: “Isn’t that new guy Janarion Grant absolutely wonderful? Two touchdowns on punt returns! Over 300 yards bringing back kicks! Meet the new Gizmo! But let’s call him Quick Six!”

Cynic: “Good bloody thing he was there, because Paul LaPolice’s offence totally sucked. No imagination. No creativity. No freaking TDs.”

Pollyanna: “Matt Nichols silenced his critics. Great game management and zero picks.”

Cynic: “You mean Check Down Charlie? Hard for anyone to pick off one of his passes when he’s afraid to toss the football more than two yards at a time. The hair on those two dudes doing the halftime show is longer than any of Nichols’ passes. He does more dunking than a cop in a donut shop.”

Justin Medlock

Pollyanna: “Impressive. Justin Medlock kicked four field goals, including a 55-yarder.”

Cynic: Whatever. Early August. Perfect weather. No pressure. We’ll talk about Medlock if he does it in mid-November when the wind is howling like a couple of frat boys at closing time.”

Pollyanna: “Richie Hall’s defence came up big when it had to, with a key interception to close the first half and another one to seal the victory. Gotta love that!”

Cynic: “Let me know when they actually beat a certified starting quarterback. They haven’t had to deal with anything but clipboard jockeys since Mike Reilly and Trevor Harris in June.”

So, yes, I remain (mildly) conflicted about Winnipeg FC after pondering its 26-24 victory over the always difficult Stampeders. Oh, I’m convinced the Bombers’ 6-2 log is legit. They’ve earned their perch atop the tables and, one game shy of the midway mark of their Canadian Football League crusade, there’s ample cause to believe there’ll be a playoff skirmish at Football Follies Field come November, when it’s a reasonable assumption that the aforementioned Medlock and his left leg will, indeed, be battling winds howling like a couple of frat boys at closing time.

Mike Reilly, down again.

Further, the local lads ought to deliver the B.C. Lions a good paddywhacking later this week, because Mike Reilly can’t beat them while lying on his back. Reilly is the toughest dude QB in the CFL, but the Leos keep asking him to win a knife fight with a plastic straw, and that seldom leads to a happily ever after ending.

So I’m saying the Bombers will head into the back half of their crusade at 7-2, also with a leg up on finishing first in the bumper-to-bumper crawl that is the West Division.

Alas, the alpha-dog argument likely won’t be settled until the late-October, home-and-home dosey doe with the Stampeders, which means everything in between is filler guaranteed to fascinate, infuriate and, hopefully, entertain.

Maybe Check Down Charlie will even throw a pass that stretches farther than Pinocchio’s nose at some point. Wouldn’t that be something?.

check Down Charlie

Lest anyone run off with the wrong notion, I believe Nichols can take the Bombers where they need and want to be in November. No, he’s not the kind of QB to grab a game by the back collar and give it a good rag-dolling, but there’s enough there there to get the job done. I mean, if Sean Salisbury can win the Grey Cup, so can Check Down Charlie. It’s just that he’ll have to stop playing with one arm tied behind his back. Either he and Coach LaPo add variety to the offence (read: a few more long balls) or this crusade aborts earlier than planned and someone is looking for work.

Crown Lands

It’s about Crown Lands, the halftime entertainment last Thursday: Oh my. Don Cherry’s wardrobe isn’t that loud. I spent most of the next day playing my vinyl albums from the 1960s, just to remind myself what real rock ‘n’ roll is supposed to sound like. But, hey, the young people at Football Follies Field seemed to enjoy the show, so I’m not going to be an old frump and shake my fist and shout at clouds. I would, mind you, call the cops if Crown Lands showed up to play on my lawn.

Actually, I was shaking my fist and shouting at clouds on Friday night. I mean, handing a W to the Saskatchewan Roughriders after less than 45 minutes of football because of a cloud burst in Montreal? Wrong. Dumb rule. Should be revisited. What’s the hurry that they can’t wait out the lightning, thunder and wet stuff for more than an hour? The large lads that anxious to get to the bar?

Having said that, they could have called off the Edmonton Eskimos-Bytown RedBlacks skirmish any time after the first quarter and you wouldn’t have heard a peep out of me. Purely dreadful.

The hosannas, rightly so, are raining down on this year’s crop of lickety-split, whiz-bang kick returners, on pace to take a CFL record 42 boots back to the house. But don’t let me hear anyone put them in Gizmo Williams’ class. Giz was the best ever. And probably always.

Smilin’ Hank

If you see Henry Burris and the TSN squawkbox is thoughtful enough to open a door for you, for gawd’s sakes thank the man! I say that because Smilin’ Hank reckons us hosers are short on behavior and tall on rude. Asked by Sean Fitz-Gerald of The Athletic how he explains Americans to his Canadian friends, Hank replied: “I always tell people America is sectional. In the South, where I’m from, people are typically much nicer. They’re more accommodating. We cook our food differently than they do in the northeast. Even though people still barbeque and do those things, for us, BBQ and fry, that’s how we do it down south—we want it on the grill, or we want it in the fryer (smiles). The people are very respectful and their manners are excellent. I always tell Canadians—Canadians could learn something from Southerners. Canadians are nice people, but Canadians can be rude. There’s a lot of rude Canadians. I’ve held the door for a lot of Canadians, and they’ll walk in and not even say thank you.” Listen, Hank, that door swings both ways. Don’t let it hit you on the ass on your way out.

Just kidding, of course. Hank’s always struck me as a good guy, and he makes a point of informing his American pals that we don’t actually live in igloos and that the Republic of Tranna is “a bit like Chicago and has the mentality of New York, to a point.” He didn’t say what Winnipeg is “a bit like,” to a point, but I’m thinking Buffalo with the mentality of Green Bay. Sans the cheddar on our heads, of course.

Hey, I don’t mean to sound insulting. I like Green Bay. Had a wonderful time there in the late 1990s. But I’m still trying to get the cheese smell out of my hair.

Bianca Andreescu

Speaking of cheesy, I try my best to root, root, root for our young tennis guy Denis Shapovalov. Really, I do. It’s a struggle, though. The kid has too much of the P.K. Subban hot dog in him for my liking, and I don’t know how much of his playing to the crowd is an act and how much is sincere. Teen sensation Bianca Andreescu also plays to the crowd, but it never strikes me as cheesy.

Brooke Henderson

Our girl Bianca was across the net from the neighborhood bully, Serena Williams, in today’s Rogers Cup final in The ROT, and her victory gives the clowns who choose the Lou Marsh Trophy recipient something to chew on. It’s her second tournament W this year, the same as our Lady of the Links, Brooke Henderson. So what carries more value, tennis or golf? Last year, Brooke won twice, including the Canadian Open, but they gave her a pass and anointed a guy in a fringe sport (Mikael Kingsbury, moguls skiing) our country’s top jock. This year, Brooke’s second W was her historic ninth, making her the most successful Canadian on either the LPGA or PGA tour. That should be the determining factor. Unless, of course, another moguls skier catches the voters’ fancy.

Milos Raonic

Here’s someone way out of his lane—Steve Simmons (I know; what a shock). The Postmedia Tranna columnist graced the Rogers Cup in the Republic of Tranna with his presence last week, and all he did was double fault on his facts. First, he scribbled this of our Andreescu: “She’s never lost to anybody in the top 10 because she’s never played anybody in the top 10.” Incorrect. Bianca played four matches v. top-10 opponents prior to the Rogers Cup: World No. 3 Caroline Wozniacki in Auckland, world No. 6 Elina Svitolina and No. 8 Angelique Kerber at Indian Wells, and world No. 4 Kerber at Miami. Whupped ’em all. Next, Simmons advised us that Genie Bouchard was “the highest-rated Canadian player, man or woman in tennis history.” Again incorrect. Genie’s career best was world No. 5 in 2014. Milos Raonic reached world No. 3 in 2016 and ’17. This information is easily accessible. But apparently taking two minutes to visit the WTA and ATP websites is too much to ask of a national sports columnist. Why clutter an essay with correct information when misinformation will do, right? So I’m not sure what lane Simmons is supposed to be in, but it definitely isn’t women’s tennis. Or, really, anything to do with women’s sports..

And, finally, I noticed that this River City Renegade blog passed the 30,000 milestone for views this year and 100,000 overall for 3½ years. To those who have stopped by for a peek, I thank you, with a caution that if you make a return visit it won’t be any better. To those who haven’t visited, I can’t say I blame you.

About Mike O’Shea’s stubborn streak…clothes don’t make the coach…Kent Austin still has a job?…strange brew from a Postmedia scribe…and Genie’s charisma

I cannot survive in a 140-character world, so here are more tweets that grew up to be too big for Twitter…

Mike O’Shea and Bill Belichick: Clothes don’t make the coach.

For the record, I think Mike O’Shea is a seriously flawed head coach.

His most notable wart would be his mule-like refusal to acknowledge blatant blunders. I mean, when a man makes a mistake and then tells the rabble that, yes, given the opportunity for a do-over he would make the same stupid gaffe again, he’s not someone who should have the nuclear codes.

But that’s O’Shea.

Did he learn from an ill-advised 61-yard field goal attempt that fell seven yards short of the target and ended the Winnipeg Blue Bombers’ season last November at B.C. Place Stadium? Nope. Three days after the fact, O’Shea advised news snoops that, “Yup, absolutely,” he’d ignore logic and again put his faith in Justin Medlock’s left leg.

Did he learn from an ill-advised faux punt that turned potential victory into defeat a little more than a week ago vs. the B.C. Lions? Nope. “We’d do it again,” he confirmed.

They say hindsight is 20/20 vision. I suppose it is. Unless your name is Mike O’Shea.

I swear, if it were up to O’Shea he’d have the Edsel back on the road. He’d say the guy at Decca records who rejected the Beatles made the right call. He’d let Custer have another go at all those Indians at the Little Big Horn.

So, ya, he’s stubborn like a Winnipeg winter is cold. It’s a flaw that, at some point, will likely cost him his job.

Until then, he’ll continue to keep us scratching our heads, and I’m guessing that he’ll keep doing it in a pair of short pants that somehow keep popping up as a talking point.

I’m sorry, but the significance of O’Shea’s pant legs escapes me. So the guy dresses like some shlub squatting on a street corner in Osborne Village, begging for nickels and dimes. Bill Belichick does, too. Even worse. He’s a hobo in a hoodie. But he’s also the best head coach in professional football. He’s just never let success go to his clothes, is all.

Jeff Reinebold: What a goof.

I can think of just one example of a coach’s wardrobe possibly impacting on team performance—Jeff Reinebold. He looked like a guy who got lost on his way to a beach volleyball game. He was a total goof-off. So were the Bombers under his watch. It was party time in flip-flops with Bob Marley until someone finally shot the sheriff, 32 games and 26 losses too late.

Calgary Stampeders 60, Hamilton Tiger-Cats 1. Hamilton Tiger-Cats 0-5. Only win-free outfit in the Canadian Football League. Fewest points scored, most points allowed. And head coach Kent Austin still has a job? How is this possible?

Pet peeve: Broadcasters and reporters who describe a short kickoff as an “onside kick.” All kickoffs are onside. They have to be, otherwise there’d be a five-yard penalty. Is that picky of me? Ya, about as picky as people who talk about O’Shea’s short pants.

So, here are the head counts at Football Follies Field in Fort Garry for the Bombers this crusade: 30,165 (Calgary), 25,085 (Toronto Argonauts), 25,931 (Montreal Alouettes). Average attendance: 27,060. Only the Saskatchewan Roughriders and Edmonton Eskimos play to larger audiences. This is a problem how?

In the D’oh! Department: Paul Wiecek of the Winnipeg Free Press refers to John Hufnagel and Wally Buono as “former coaches.” When last seen, Buono was standing on the B.C. Lions sideline and he wasn’t there as window dressing. He’s the Leos’ current, not former, head coach.

Some strange brew from Steve Simmons in his weekly three-dot column for Postmedia. Let me count the ways:

  1. He describes Ted Williams as baseball’s “greatest hitter ever.” Well, let’s see. The Postmedia columnist was born in 1957. He was barely out of the cradle the day Williams last swatted a baseball in 1960, hitting a dinger in his final Major League at-bat. I hardly think someone who was a three-year-old boy at the time and never once watched Williams play with the Boston Red Sox is qualified to determine anything about the Splendid Splinter.
  2. He writes this of three-down football: “I really wish the CFL faithful would stop telling people how many great games there are” Huh? You have a boffo product and you shouldn’t—repeat, should not—brag about it? And I thought Mike O’Shea said strange things.
  3. He writes this of women’s tennis: “The top tennis player in the world, according to the WTA, is Karolina Pliskova. The No. 5 player is Elina Svitolina. If either of those women knocked on your door and said hello, would have any idea who they were?” Well, Stevie, you’re supposedly the most-read sports columnist in Canada. If you knocked on my neighbor’s door and said hello, would she have any idea who you are?

Genie Bouchard

In the world according to Cathal Kelly of the Globe and Mail, tennis player Genie Bouchard is “this country’s most charismatic athlete.” Well, I’ve never met our girl Genie. Probably never will. So I can only go by what I’ve seen/heard/read on TV and the Internet, and she strikes me as sullen, guarded and totally lacking in charm. I can’t help but cheer for terrific young Canadian athletes like golfer Brooke Henderson and swimmer Penny Oleksiak, but I struggle mightily to root, root, root for our Genie. Henderson and Oleksiak are far more charismatic. So, too, is P.K. Subban. Henry Burris was charismatic. Pinball Clemons was the very definition of charismatic. Still is. Hey, I don’t want to sound like a Debbie Downer, because I’m sure little girls flock to Genie. Just like they flock to Justin Bieber. It’s just that I find both her and him disagreeable.

Patti Dawn Swansson has been scribbling mostly about Winnipeg sports for 47 years, which means she’s old and probably should think about getting a life.