Zach Hyman is speaking out against the evil that is anti-Semitism, and I hear him.
“Jewish people…don’t feel safe,” the Edmonton Oilers forward was telling Mark Spector of Sportsnet last week. “There are attacks on synagogues. My high school (in Toronto) has had two bomb threats. This is just for being Jewish. It’s just because you’re Jewish. There’s no other reason.
“Being a Jewish person doesn’t feel comfortable right now, and that’s a scary feeling. It’s supposed to be getting better.”
I hear Hyman even though I’m not Jewish. I hear him because I’m part of the LGBT(etc.) collective, and it’s supposed to be “getting better” for us, too.
Yet then we learn that the American Hockey League has told Chicago Wolves coach Bob Nardella to go away for 10 games, because he spewed anti-gay remarks at a referee. Naturally, Nardella denies saying what he said because “that is not the type of person” he is. Except there were witnesses, so that’s exactly the “type of person” Nardella is.
We also learn of findings from a study of online abuse at this year’s Women’s World Cup, in which 96 players in Australia and New Zealand were out lesbians. The report includes this discouraging note: “Making up almost 50% of all detected abuse across the tournament, Sexist, Sexual and Homophobic messages appear to be the weapon of choice to target players.”
“The weapon of choice.” What an interesting, albeit accurate, way to describe it. Sigh.
Also worth noting from the FIFA Social Media Protection Service/global players’ association: The women received 28.5 per cent more abuse online than men at their 2022 World Cup in Qatar. Double sigh.
Apparently the Los Angeles Dodgers’ winning 10-year, $700-million sales pitch to land baseball free agent Shohei Ohtani included a video from late hoops legend Kobe Bryant. The Toronto Blue Jays tried to match it by showing reruns of The Littlest Hobo. According to those familiar with negotiations, Ohtani said, “Why am I watching this German Shepherd lost in Toronto? I already have a dog.”
When last seen, some of the natterbugs on TSN and Sportsnet were still off their feed, moaning about the Blue Jays’ failed bid to lure Ohtani to the Republic of Tranna for the 2024 season and beyond. Not to worry. To turn those frowns into happy faces, James Duthie plans to host an Auston Matthews home movie marathon for staff at both networks, showing each of the Maple Leaf centre’s 322 career goals. Matthews will be in attendance. Boot licking is optional and by appointment only.
Ohtani’s official mouthpiece, Nez Balelo, told USA Today that he felt “really, really bad for the country of Canada,” after his prized client chose to play his baseball in Dodgers blue. Hey, don’t cry for us, Nez Balelo. We’ve still got Nickelback, the rouge and real beer, eh.
Count Jon Heyman of the New York Post among those tickled that Ohtani won’t be hitting and (eventually) pitching in the Republic of Tranna: “No offense to the Toronto Blue Jays, but this is much better for Major League Baseball,” he writes. “The Jays may have been a better opportunity for marketing dollars because they represent an entire country, but he has to live, too. At this point all that matters is that Ohtani made the right call. Not only for him but us too. Sorry, but reality is reality. The Jays are a fine team and organization. They’ve made the playoffs three of the last five years. Toronto is a beautiful city, too, but for non-hockey sports, there’s a small-time feel to the place.” I’m aghast. I mean, can Heyman really be talking about The Six? The Big Smoke? He makes it sound like a way station no bigger than a parking lot, with all the glitz and glam of a church service. Does Drake know about this, and shouldn’t he be making a rap album about ugly Americans dissing his burg?
Those of us who live in the colonies know Heyman has got it all wrong. The Republic of Tranna is the Centre of the Universe. Just ask them.
A case in point would be this item from Elliotte Friedman in his 32 Thoughts column for Sportsnet: “Connor Bedard and Connor McDavid at 10pm ET? Come on. Should be Prime Time, nationally televised everywhere in North America.” What Friedman actually meant was this: “Any game featuring Connor Bedard and Connor McDavid should face off before me and all my friends in the Centre of the Universe are in our jammies.”
Jeff Hamilton of the Drab Slab took a shot at the Flattest of Lands re the hiring of Corey Mace as head coach of the Saskatchewan Roughriders: “They wanted a guy who was willing to live in Regina year-round. Talk about sacrifice.” Love it. Atta boy, Jeff.
Drab Slab editor Paul Samyn was scribbling about Artificial Intelligence as it relates to media in his weekly newsletter the other day. If you want an example of genuine artificial intelligence, don’t read a newspaper or magazine. Just spend a night in a pub and listen to the voices around you.
It occurred to me last Monday that the Drab Slab sports section is printing Saturday news in its Monday editions. Whatever became of the seven-day world?
So I note the Eastern Cartel of Canada’s sports media has determined that hoopster Shai Gilgeous-Alexander is the top jock in all the land for 2023. I won’t quibble about the choice of SGA as winner of the Northern Star Award, but I still have trouble with the process, whereby a supposed “national panel of reporters, columnists and broadcasters” makes the call. There were 39 people on the selection committee, only eight of whom work west of the Manitoba-Ontario border. A 31-8 split tells me the Northern Star is still a Toronto Star in-house award, and it always will be until Damien Cox finds more friends out here in the colonies and lets them have a voice.
This from Steve Simmons of Postmedia Tranna: “If you don’t know the name Shai Gilgeous-Alexander please don’t embarrass yourself by admitting it. Especially if you think you know your sports in Canada.” That from a guy who said this about futbol during the women’s World Cup in June 2019: “My knowledge of the game and my interest in the game is so limited. I don’t know the ABCs. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you all the positions. I don’t know how many players are on the field. Honestly, I have no connection to this game at all. I didn’t grow up with it, I didn’t play it, I never watched it, I didn’t care about it.” Now that’s embarrassing.
The Toronto Sun acknowledged the existence of the Professional Women’s Hockey League with a two-page spread on the upstart group last Thursday, with this headline: “Crash course: Everything you need to know about the PWHL.” Trouble is, everything readers needed to know isn’t what writer Mike Ganter was telling them. For example, “all six PWHL teams are owned by the Mark Walton Group,” and “the Walton family’s net worth” is $238.5 billion. Wrong and wrong. It’s the Mark Walter Group that’s bankrolling the PWHL’s six franchises, not the Walton family. I doubt we’ll be seeing John Boy or Mama Walton at the rink. As for wealth, Mark Walter’s personal fortune is pegged at $5.8 billion and his Guggenheim Partners has more than $325 billion in assets under management. Still, it’s encouraging to see the TorSun take an interest in Ponytail Puck.
If you’re scoring at home, Taylor Swift has attended six Kansas City Chiefs skirmishes this season. My only concern is for those among us who actually track how often Her Royal Swiftiness shows up to watch her main squeeze, Travis Kelce, catch passes from Patrick Mahomes. Seems to me that falls into the “get a life” file.
Stop me if you’ve heard this before: Patrik Laine is injured.
Stop me if you’ve heard this before (Vol. II): Bianca Andreescu will skip the Aussie Open due to injury.
This is cool: A rare pair of gold Air Jordan 3 sneakers designed for filmmaker Spike Lee and discovered in a donation bin at a shelter in Portland, Ore., is up for auction until tomorrow. Sotheby’s indicates the size 12½ sneakers could fetch up to $20,000, and the entire winning bid will go directly to the Portland Rescue Mission.
On the subject of clothing and auctions, six jerseys worn by Lionel Messi during last year’s World Cup sold for $7.8 million online and, according to a Sotheby’s spokesperson, “they all smell fine.” He couldn’t say the same for Spike Lee’s sneakers.
And, finally, Shohei Ohtani isn’t the only person who’ll live on deferred payments in retirement. I already do. They’re called CPP, OAS and GIS.
The River City Renegade 
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