Twin sisters Dr. Patti Puck and Dr. Patti Pigskin are internationally renowned sports psychologists who specialize in what makes athletes/coaches/managers/owners/sports scribes/broadcasters tick.
Jocks the world over flock to their clinic, the River City Shrink Wrap, to have their heads examined. The good doctors don’t always have the right answer, but if loving the Winnipeg Jets and Blue Bombers is wrong they don’t want to be right.
(Today: Dr. Puck has Winnipeg Jets winger Patrik Laine and coach Paul Maurice on the couch.)
DR. PUCK: “First, let me welcome you both to the River City Shrink Wrap. My couch isn’t as famous as Oprah’s, but I like to think we get results without having to hand out gifts…you get a car and you get a car and you get a car and you get a car.”
LAINE (snarling): “I’m happy for you. But I don’t need your car. Can we just get on with it?”
DR. PUCK: “Fine, let’s begin with you, Patrik. I’m not going to beat around the bush: Are your feathers ruffled?”
LAINE (still snarling): “Feathers? I’m Puck Finn, not Duck Finn.”
DR. PUCK: “My bad. My bad. But I’m sensing some hostility, Patrik. Do you not want to be here? Did you have a bad flight from Switzerland?”
LAINE: “No, the flight was fine. Played Fortnite the entire way. I have blisters on my thumbs. Wanna see them?”
DR. PUCK: “Perhaps later. But right now we want to focus on the things you said to a Finnish reporter. You told him you aren’t happy with the way Coach Maurice used you last year. Is that true or was something lost in translation?”
LAINE: “The only thing that’s been lost is the coach’s mind. I’m the greatest goal scorer since Ovie and this guy’s got me playing with Bryan Little and whatever spare part he can find. One night it’s Copper, the next night it’s Matty, the next night it’s Nikky, the next night it’s someone who should be with the Manitoba Moose. I’ve had more partners than Don Cherry has bad suits.”
MAURICE: “The way you backcheck, I should have had you sitting beside Nic Petan in the press box eating popcorn! That’s who your linemates should have been—Nikky Petan and Orville Redenbacher!”
DR. PUCK: “Coach Maurice, please! We’ll get to you in a minute! First I want to hear what Patrik has to say.”
MAURICE: “That’s fine, Doc, just as long as he knows that I can make him effing cry in that dressing room.”
DR. PUCK: “I’m sure you can, Coach Maurice. But for now, just chill. Now, Patrik, I’d like you to elaborate on the concerns you have over the way you’ve being deployed.”
LAINE: “Well, I want to play with Scheif and Wheels. I deserve to play with Scheif and Wheels. I’ve scored 110 goals in my first three National Hockey League seasons, and only Gretzky and a few others did that. And none of them played on the second, third and fourth lines.”
MAURICE: “Don’t forget to tell the Doc that you scored 18 of those freaking goals in one month last season! The rest of the time you were all thumbs, like you were playing that friggin’ video game.”
DR. PUCK: “Coach Maurice, please!”
MAURICE: “Mea culpa again, Doc. But Patty’s got it all wrong. He’s one of my sparrows. I love the young man.”
LAINE: “Not as much as you love Scheif and Wheels! They’re both teacher’s pet. You never have them playing with the scrubs from the Moose. You’ve got Scheif and Wheels welded together so tight, it would take the jaws of life to pry them apart. And whatever they say goes. If they want Nikky on the left wing, they get Nicky. If they want Kyle, they get Kyle. If they wanted Jesus, I’m sure you’d walk to the Vatican and sweet talk the Pope into letting you have him. Anybody but me.”
MAURICE: Christ on a cross, man! Didn’t I visit you in Finland during the summer and didn’t we have a nice talk about how I value you as one of my sparrows?”
LAINE: “You talked and I listened, Buddha boy. But I’m not one of those journalists who swallows everything you say like it’s a pint of lager. Why do you think I still haven’t signed a new contract?”
DR. PUCK: Let’s talk about that, Patrik? Do you not want to be in Winnipeg?”
LAINE: “Winnipeg’s not so bad. It’s kind of like Finland. But if I played anywhere else, I’d be on the first line. Here, this coach won’t let me do that because Scheif and Wheels won’t let him. They run the team. Them and Buff.”
DR. PUCK: “That’s a pretty serious accusation, Patrik.”
LAINE: “Go ahead and ask him if he plans to let me play on the first line this season.”
DR. PUCK: “What say you, Coach Maurice?”
MAURICE: “Patty will play with Scheif and Wheels when Gary Bettman is elected mayor of Winnipeg.”
DR. PUCK: “Is that because you don’t want him there, or because Mr. Scheifele and Mr. Wheeler don’t want him there?”
MAURICE: “Six of one, half dozen of the other. Same result either way.”
DR. PUCK: “What’s your biggest concern other than usage, Patrik? Are you afraid the fans in Winnipeg will see you as a greedy, spoiled brat with a false sense of entitlement? That they’ll look at you as the bad guy and turn on you the way they did with Evander Kane?”
LAINE: “No. I’m afraid Buff will throw my clothes into the ice tub.”
DR. PUCK: “I must say, that was a nasty bit of business, but you weren’t with the team back when Mr. Byfuglien did that to Mr. Kane.”
LAINE: “Doesn’t matter. It’s part of the team folklore, like something the elders back home in Finland tell their grandchildren to make them behave. It’s a very scary story that Scheif and Wheels tell all the rookies. I had nightmares about it my first year. I probably would have scored 50 goals if not for that.”
DR. PUCK: “And yet you still want to play with them?”
LAINE: “I deserve to play on the top line, even if that means somewhere else.”
DR. PUCK: “Well, gentlemen, we’re almost out of time. Is there anything you’d like to say to each other before you go your separate ways?”
MAURICE: “I just want Patty to know that I really do think of him as one of my sparrows, and I just want to nurture him and give him his wings.”
LAINE: “Save it for the journalists, Buddha boy.”
The River City Renegade 
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